


Not talking about curry

by QSF



Series: Crossroads [1]
Category: Kamen Rider Kuuga
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-18 23:49:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 35,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1447471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QSF/pseuds/QSF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Godai Yuusuke might have cheated death more than once, but that doesn't mean that detective Ichijou is about to just trust him on his word when he claims that he is fine. In that, and many other ways,  they are far too similar. </p><p>Following the pair over the course of the series, this is a love story between two very different introverts and their awkward attempts to make things work while the world is falling apart around them. Expect passive spoilers for the show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not talking about Curry (pre ep 20)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set right before episode 20 start, when neither of them really have started to admit what they mean to each other.

Early mornings in Tokyo could be quiet.

Once you were off the busiest streets, the sound of traffic turned to a quiet backdrop, like waves against the seashore. Godai liked those hours the best. Sleeping upstairs in the Pore Pore restaurant meant that he just had to skip downstairs to fix himself breakfast, and most of the time his uncle would be out doing errands which left Godai on his own to prepare for lunchtime.

But today he wasn’t alone, though the man present hardly disturbed the peace of the morning. Ichijou had never been a man of many words, and maybe that’s why Godai found it so easy to relax around him. People with whom you could be comfortably quiet were rare. And yet he found himself wanting to make the detective talk. Almost as if it had been a challenge. Find the right words, how to unlock the smile he knew was hidden behind the serious face. At least he could sneak looks as he cooked, pondering the other man’s expression as he seasoned the big pot of curry he was making. Sneak looks and… he couldn’t quite avoid the feeling that Ichijou was doing the same when he was busy with the food. Eyes almost meeting, skidding away before contact was made. Fencing.

"You didn’t have to come and pick me up you know," Godai finally said, causing the man to look properly at him, ending their battle of evasive looks. "I could have ridden my bike to the hospital."

"Not until Tsubaki gives you a clean bill of health." Ichijou looked like a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer, but Godai protested all the same.

"I’m fine, I promise." He patted his chest, trying to look like he hadn’t been at death’s door just a day or so earlier. But it didn’t look like Ichijou was buying it.

"I’ll let Tsubaki be the judge of that," the detective said with a doubtful frown. The small, tense wrinkles on his forehead were back, and Godai quickly changed the subject.

"I can’t leave until my uncle shows up, though, I hope that’s alright." A glance at the clock showed that they had about an hour until he was expected back. An hour alone, without a threat breathing down their necks for once.

"It’s fine. Today I am in no hurry." Ichijou looked half relieved, half a little lost. Their lives had been one long emergency since the resurgence of the Grongi and their attack on the city and its people.

"Good. You look like you could use a break." Godai turned down the heat, letting the pot simmer. He had never commented on that before, because he knew that they didn’t really have a choice. He needed Ichijou’s help as much as the police needed him to fight the monsters. There had been precious little rest for either of them, and while he felt more rested than he had in a long time, Ichijou looked more haggard than usual.

"The last days have been…" the detective made a vague gesture with one hand, looking down at the empty cup of coffee before him. Godai refilled it without being asked.

"… I know. But everything’s fine now."

"I hope so." Ichijou sipped the coffee, frowning.

"It is," Godai assured. He didn’t place his hand over Ichijou’s where it lay half-curled on the counter, he just thought about it.

Detective Ichijou was one of the most intensely private people he had ever met. One thing he disliked about his homeland was the cultural barriers against physical interaction, and Ichijou embodied that to a fault. Abroad, Godai could hug people for a greeting, kiss a cheek even. But here, back in Japan, a simple touch of a hand was a line you didn’t cross. Too personal. Some people, like Doctor Tsubaki, didn’t mind physical contact, most likely because he spent his days touching patients or one of his many girlfriends. But Ichijou was different, and Godai respected him too much to push the issue.

"I hope your uncle doesn’t mind you being snatched away on police business so often." Ichijou’s words snatched Godai out of thoughts that were getting dangerously close to fantasies.

"He’s used to it," he quickly said with a laugh, shrugging a little. How long had he been quiet for Ichijou to go so far as to restart the conversation? At least the curry hadn’t burned.

"Really?"

"Oh, not the monster bit." Godai laughed again, feeling a little embarrassed. "But me coming and going is how it usually is when I’m back in japan. I get room and board in exchange for helping out at the restaurant, and the rest of the time I’m working elsewhere to save up more money." It felt like ages ago.

"Save up?" Ichijou looked puzzled, and Godai realized that he hadn’t really talked about this part of his life with the detective before.

"For the next trip," he explained. "Even if I live cheap and do odd jobs when I’m abroad, the tickets there still cost money." What would Ichijou think of the way he lived his life? Would be think he was a waste of potential? No career. No family. No retirement fund or any of the things he imagined the detective valued. He seemed like a man who would plan his life well. Not like Godai.

"So Kuuga is your current part-time job?" There was a rare little smile there, and it brought out a bigger one in Godai.

"I suppose so." He scratched his neck a little, embarrassed despite himself. "More of an adventure really, it doesn’t pay after all."

"My apologies, you’re a civilian, you shouldn’t have to be involved at all." Ichijou looked as if he was actually taking the joked comment seriously, and Godai quickly continued.

"It’s not your fault. I’m just glad people stopped shooting at me."

"Don’t even joke about that." The smile was gone; Ichijou’s mouth a thin line of rough memories.

"I’m sorry." This time Godai really did reach out to touch, but ended up picking up the empty coffee cup at the last moment. "But I understand why they did it. They thought I was a monster. And it didn’t hurt." Much.

"They don’t anymore." Ichijou looked sternly at Godai, as if he wanted to make sure he understood. "They know you’re on their side."

"I know." Godai nodded softly as he placed the empty cup in the sink.

"I wish I could…" A gesture of frustration.

"Stop. It’s fine." He turned back to the counter, looking sternly at Ichijou. That got a small smile in return.

"You say that more often than any other person I know."

"Well, someone should. You obviously need to be told it more." Godai crossed his arms over his chest, huffing himself up a little.

"You sound like Tsubaki." The smile still stayed, so Godai figured he must be doing something right.

"Does he really tell you things are fine, though?" It didn’t sound like the doctor, but what did Godai know? Ichijou and Tsubaki had been friends since college. There was history there he could not match.

"Not exactly," the detective admitted. "Usually just what he thinks I should do to feel better."

"That does sound more like Dr Tsubaki." The laugh was soft, but became stronger when shared.

"He does that to you too?" Ichijou looked as if his own laugh had surprised him. It didn’t seem like it was an unpleasant surprise.

"All the time." Godai nodded. "He’s worried about you, you know." He said the last over his shoulder, leaving Ichijou to make the annoyed face at his back.

"I’m not the one he should be worried about."

"He thinks you’re lonely and you work too much." Godai would agree with that assessment, except that he was working on fixing the first part and could understand the second.

"He works just as much as I do," Ichijou said defensively, "and I don’t need a girlfriend."

"He tells you that you need one?" Godai kept stirring the pot, fearing that if he stopped his face would betray him.

"… not lately," Ichijou admitted, looking rather uncomfortable when Godai snuck a glance.

"We all find the things that make us happy if we just take the time to look for them." Godai thought that sounded suitably wise, like something his teacher had once said. Or that he had read on a motivational pamphlet somewhere.

"I’m not sure I have the time…" Another admission from the detective that made two in the space of a few minutes which was a rare treat. "Have you? Found what makes you happy?"

"A few things." Godai looked down at the pot. "Being out there. On the road." He had never really felt at home staying put, these last months in Tokyo were strange in that he really didn’t want to leave yet.

"Miss Sawatari told me you were out of the country more often than not."

"I love Japan." Godai took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. "I love my sister. I love Tokyo, but…"

"But…"

Ichijou’s gentle question made Godai turn around and look directly at the other man. “Could you ever be something other than a police officer?” He wasn’t sure what answer he wanted there, only that he wanted one. An insight into what made Ichijou work, into what made him so hard to stop thinking about.

"I… hadn’t even considered it." The words came after a long pause.

"Me neither." Godai looked back at the pot, stirring it more decisively than needed. "I need to travel."

"So once this is over…" The rest of the sentence remained unsaid. Heavy.

"Maybe South America. Or Mexico. If I can afford the ticket," he added with a laugh.

"I’m sure things will work out." Ichijou said the words sternly enough that Godai looked over at the detective, his stomach twisting a little when he saw the other man doing the thumbs up.

"Mr Ichijou…" The honorific still came naturally to him, even though he felt closer to this man than a lot of his old friends. They were both struggling with trying to find the right balance between professional and personal, Godai having quickly gone from the formal Detective Ichijou to the softer Mister. Ichijou on the other hand seemed to have solved the issue by foregoing titles entirely, using both his names in a way that nobody had ever done before. Godai Yuusuke. It felt like an endearment.

"Not used to someone else telling you that?" Ichijou looked a bit amused at Godai struggling to find words for once.

"I guess not." Godai tried not to blush, which made him almost miss the tension that had appeared in Ichijou’s shoulders. The detective hid it well, but it was still there.

The same guarded stance he had every time he had received bad news and was internalizing it until he could deal with it in his own time. Godai knew he could be wrong, he really didn’t know the detective that well yet, but…

"Come here," Godai said with more force than he had planned to. "Come on, back here, around the counter."

"Why?" Ichijou had risen before he asked the question, cautiously entering the small kitchen area behind the counter as if it had been a minefield.

"I need another pair of hands," Godai was making things up as he went along, but he didn’t want to leave the moment there, caught in sadness as it had been. "Just for a little."

"I don’t…" Ichijou protested, to no avail. Godai stripped off the apron anyway, hanging it around the neck of the detective. His hands brushed skin just briefly, and he had to look down as he reached around to fasten the apron.

"Don’t worry," he said, talking about so many other things than cooking, wondering if Ichijou was picking up on any of them. "I just need you to keep stirring the pot so it doesn’t burn."

"Slowly?" Ichijou asked after a moment’s hesitation, when both their hands held the spoon. Godai just nodded.

He wondered if they were still talking about curry.

To busy himself, Godai started to chop vegetables for the salad, back half turned to the detective who kept slowly stirring the pot. It was a comfortable feeling, like when they rode a car together, or listened to Enokida’s latest research findings. Close together. Not touching. Busy. Safe.

"I’ll be back, you know," Godai found himself half mumbling.

"What?" Ichijou must have heard him, the detective had sharp senses, but maybe that was the only reply he could give. Maybe he just didn’t understand why Godai had said what he said.

"Even if I’m gone for a while I’ll be back." Godai had raised his voice this time, willing his force and conviction to show. "I’ll always be back. I promise."

There was no reply from the detective, at least not in words.   
Just a general lightening of the atmosphere.  
A relaxing of far too tense shoulders.

A small smile, hidden as he stirred the pot.


	2. I like you (pre ep 20)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had not planned to write a part 2, but Elle prompted me with some dialog so I had to.

It could be quiet in the car as well.

Normally Godai didn't mind, but right now it made him feel antsy. Maybe it was because the traffic was moving at a slow crawl this time of the morning, everybody on their way to work. Maybe it was because he still was a bit shaken up by nearly dying. Or maybe he was just fooling himself, because the real reason sat right next to him with a faint frown on his face as he watched the road as he drove.

Ichijou.

Godai kept watching him out of the corner of his eye. Ichijou kept his eyes on the road.

This was stupid. Godai had admitted that to himself. Had admitted it the first time his heart skipped a beat as the burning church nearly collapsed around them. He had admitted it when he made his first, far too forward move on the rooftop after he had won his first battle. He had admitted it, even when he started to realize that maybe there hadn't exactly been an overt rejection from the detective, just caution. And Godai was generally anything but cautious.

So he had tried to learn patience. To think of the detective as a friend. A good friend. His best friend. A friend you weren't allowed to touch. And maybe it had worked. Maybe not pushing the issue had been the right thing to do. Ichijou was opening up. He didn't think he was imagining things either. The hidden little smiles. The fond looks. No, Godai was pretty sure that he was not imagining the way Ichijou looked at him sometimes, or rather, avoided looking at him in that way that was as much a token of affection as his use of his full name. And maybe being patient had been the right choice, but then everything changed. He had almost died, and though he'd been aware that death was not an unlikely outcome of their battle, this was the first time he really had understood what it meant.

He was wasting time.

"Could you pull over a moment?" Godai felt his heart beat a little too fast, a pre-battle feeling of nervousness and excitement alike.

"What?" Ichijou gave him a worried look, his eyes scanning the rest of the street for the threat he imagined that Godai must have spotted.

"Oh, there's nothing dangerous going on, I just... well, I need to talk to you and I don't think you should be driving then."

"Godai, I am capable of talking and driving at the same time." Ichijou's smile was small but fond, mostly hidden as he turned his head to pull into a smaller side street where they could come to a halt. "Just be warned, you are still going to the hospital."

"I know, I know, I just..." Godai took a deep breath, turning in the passenger seat so he could look directly at the bemused detective. "I just need to tell you that I like you."

"Good." Ichijou still looked fondly amused, as if he had no idea what brought this on. There was a moment's pause before he overcame his natural tendency not to be emotional and added; "I like you too." The incomprehension in his words made Godai want to scream in frustration.

"I mean, 'I like you', like you," he stressed the words a little harder, willing Ichijou to pick up the hints.

"I like you, like you too?" Ichijou just seemed to be more confused, and maybe just a little bit flustered. He was not someone who talked about his feelings.

"No, I mean..." Godai took a deep breath looking straight at Ichijou, willing himself to look serious. "I **like** you." Had it been any other man he would have reached out to touch, to show with gestures what he couldn't say with words. But this was Ichijou, and he would respect his integrity.

"You..." This time the detective's eyebrows shot up, the surprised comprehension written all over his face. "Oh."

Not a no. No recoiling in horror. Godai took strength from that. He didn't think he was wrong, but he had never really dared to risk breaking their friendship before. But he had nearly died this last fight, and he didn't want to do that without at least letting his friend know that... well, that maybe they were more than friends. Or at least that he wanted to be.

"Yes. I **like** you." Godai swallowed hard. "Would it be alright if I kissed you?"

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and if he had thought the car was quiet before, it was nothing compared to the silence that descended now. At least there was no immediate protest, most likely because Ichijou were busy trying to find any words at all.

"I mean, it's alright if you don't want to," Godai finally added, scratching his neck in embarrassment as he looked away. "I just felt I needed to tell you that I do. When I still have the chance to."

"Godai Yuusuke..." Ichijou sighed as he looked straight ahead, both hands still on the steering wheel. "Regardless of how I feel, I don't think this is the time to..."

It wasn't an outright no, and that was all that Godai needed to hear. "But it is the right time. Because we don't know what's going to happen. When this will be over." If they both would be there. "I nearly lost the chance to tell you. We've come close to losing so many times, eventually..."

"I never thought..." Ichijou started to speak, so Godai fell silent. Neither of the two looked at each other. "I'm a police officer," he started again, hands clinging to the wheel. "I was supposed to be the one in danger. To be in a relationship like that... I saw what my mother went through when my father died. I thought... I'd spare someone else that grief. I never thought I would be the one getting that phone call."

Godai stayed silent, refraining from pointing out that of the two, Ichijou was still far likelier to end up in trouble since he kept taking risks that would have killed most normal people, without having the advantage of being able to transform.

"When Tsubaki called and told me that you had..." The detective sounded deceptively dispassionate, but Godai knew him well enough by now to see the tension on his face.

"I'm sorry I put you through that."

"Don't be. It is a risk we run every day." Ichijou finally turned his head, looking thoughtfully at Godai. "Maybe... maybe you do have a point. I am trusting you to fight our battles for us when we can't. Even though you have no reason to. Maybe I should trust you to..." He fell silent, looking away once more.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be right now." Godai made the words as soft as he could, because he was through rushing. He'd told Ichijou what he meant to him, now it was up to the detective to decide what he wanted to do about it.

"This might be a terrible idea."

"It's a terrible world," Godai said with conviction, "but this is not terrible. Of that I'm sure." His thumbs-up made Ichijou work hard at trying to suppress a smile.

"I'm not... very good at these things." The admission came with a sigh.

"It's not that hard."

"Not kissing. People. Letting people in. I'm not..." the detective looked more than a little uncomfortable. "I'm not sure how... let alone why you would want to do this."

"Detective Ichijou," Godai said sternly. "I promise you that nothing needs to change if you don't want to. I don't expect... I'm not exactly an expert at these things either. And do you really need to ask why?"

"Godai. I'm a police officer. I work too much. I don't earn very much money. I have gone on exactly three dates which all ended disastrously..."

"Really? I thought our dates always went well." Godai smiled widely, because right now Ichijou just looked so flustered that it was hard not to.

"They were not..." the sigh came before the sentence ended.

"Really?" Godai pursed his lips thoughtfully.

"At least I didn't plan..." Ichijou defended himself.

"Really?"

"We were just..."

"Ichijou?" Just the name this time, and for some reason that made it softer on Godai's lips. "I don't want anything to change."

"But..."

"I mean it. You. This. Us. This is what I want."

"Just let me..."

"Think about it?" Godai interrupted nervously. "Of course. No hurry. I just wanted to tell you."

"Godai, please let me finish talking." Ichijou seemed to have reached a decision, his earlier frown now replaced by the steely determination that had been one of the reasons that Godai had fallen for him in the first place.

"Sorry." The word was quiet, Godai's mouth suddenly dry as Ichijou unbuckled his seatbelt, leaning over towards him.

He'd been thinking of this moment too many times, and now that it was here he wasn't sure what to do. A car was such an awkward place, and when he leaned over to meet the detective halfway, the seatbelt tugged uncomfortably against his bruises. But he ignored the soreness, because Ichijou really was reaching out to touch his cheek, cup his face like he was holding something fragile. As if he was worried that he really was messing something up, breaking something between them. It was enough to make Godai get a lump in his throat, a lump that was dispelled into a thousand butterflies going down to his stomach as Ichijou leaned in to finalize the kiss.

Soft. Godai wasn't sure why, but he had expected the detective's lips to be rougher. Not this soft. Not this tentative, gentle even. More curious than hesitant. Almost chaste, as if he was afraid what the reaction would be. He pulled back as slowly as he had leaned in, letting his hand linger a moment on Godai's cheek before putting it back on the wheel.

For a few minutes they sat there in silence, side by side, trying to wrap their minds around what had just happened. Godai fought to stay still and let Ichijou deal with this in his own way, in his own time, but it was hard. He felt like breaking out in the widest grin the world had ever seen, because Detective Ichijou had kissed him and didn't look like he had hated what he done.

"So?" Godai finally asked when he couldn't stay silent any longer.

"You are literally bouncing in your seat.” Ichijou put on his seatbelt once more.

“Sorry.”

“Don't be. Just give me a little time to take this in.” The car started up, loud enough to nearly startle Godai.

“And?”

“I think…” Ichijou looked like he was trying to supress a laugh. “I would like to do it again. After you've got yourself a clean bill of health.”

Those were the best words that Godai had heard in ages.


	3. Listing things (mid ep 22)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this one has just kept growing, so I might as well keep adding little scenes during the course of the show. Normally I rarely write fics set during shows, but with Kuuga there seems to be so many things going on behind the scenes that it really makes me want to fill in the blanks.
> 
> This one is set during the middle of episode 22, after Ichijou was knocked out by Baruba.

"Ichijou!"

The detective’s body lay crumpled on the ground, a discarded cardboard box someone had stepped on, the gun abandoned a few feet away.

Don’t be dead. Please, don’t be dead.

Rose petals scattered like drops of blood as Godai ran towards the body, and he knew he should be concerned about an ambush, that maybe the attacker was still around, but all he was concerned about was the man on the ground.

He hadn’t told Ichijou to be careful. He should have.

It had not been a bad idea; they had two possible locations for the Grongi hideout so it made sense to split up. He had agreed to it. People were dying, and they had a timetable when the next murder would happen, so they would have to work quickly or someone else would end up dead.

Please, don’t let it be Ichijou.

His knees hurt from dropping to the ground too fast, but Godai didn’t even notice. No blood. That bit he did notice. And there was a pulse under his hand, Ichijou’s skin warm and healthy. Breathing fine. Strong heartbeat. No obvious broken bones or overt bruises. Just those rose petals everywhere, had there been some kind of gas or spores?

There was no reaction when he ran his hands through the thick, black hair to check for bumps or injuries.

"Ichijou?" Godai tried the name again, softer this time, shaking the detective’s shoulders lightly. This time there was a reaction, a quiet mumble of protest that made him light up in a smile. "Hang in there, what happened?"

"B… one…" Ichijou’s voice was slurred and half asleep, his body not really responsive when Godai tried to make him sit up.

"She did this?" Godai had to struggle to get the detective to his feet, the taller man awkwardly leaning against his shoulder as they staggered back towards the car. "We should take you to the hospital."

"No…" the protest was mumbled as Godai searched the man’s pockets for the car keys. "No time… just… I just need a nap."

"You keep dragging me to Tsubaki all the time," Godai complained as he eased the man down into the seat. But he didn’t protest. He just made sure to fold back the seat a little, then got in on the passenger side.

Ichijou was already fast asleep.

Godai hoped he really just did need a nap. He could use one himself, they had been working late into the night, and tomorrow the deadline was approaching, and more people would get killed unless they figured out how to deal with an enemy that could turn invisible. And who could speak Japanese now. Not for the first time he wished he really had got around to getting his driver’s license for cars as well, because then he could have driven Ichijou home, or driven to the hospital anyway. He had just never thought he’d need anything but his bike.

But then again, he had never really had anyone to drive around in a car before. Hanging out with the detective had made him realize that for all intents and purposes it really was a private little room, where they could talk and the world could care less. Maybe napping in it wouldn’t be so bad either; Ichijou was sleeping like the dead. In fact, so much like the dead that he had to check on him again. No change. Just asleep. Part of him really did want to drag the other man to the hospital just to make sure, but that would mean calling an ambulance. And other people probably needed those more.

It really frightened him sometimes, when he took the time to sit down and think about what was happening in the city. People died, and every death was a tragedy. For every father missing, there was someone like Mika, mourning them. For every child… no. He couldn’t think about things like that. Because it never ended. How much overtime did doctors and ambulance drivers have to do to save the lives of those not quite dead? How did the funeral parlours deal with the influx? Did the people that could, move their families away from the city? Did they keep their kids inside? And the police…

A quick look at Ichijou revealed that the man was still sleeping, and wouldn’t notice Godai wiping his eyes.

So many police officers had been killed. How long until Ichijou was one of them. Or would he be the one to lose the battle first, not getting up this time. He still had no idea how durable being Kuuga made him. He’d been hurt, grievously, but he had healed. So far. How long until his luck ran out?

No. This wasn’t what he should be thinking about.

It didn’t help. It was self-defeating. It turned him into someone he didn’t want to be, someone he had worked long and hard at not becoming. He could do it. He could save people. He had made Ichijou smile. He could stop this threat and then… then nothing really mattered. Because it would be over. But until then, he couldn’t afford to worry. If he wanted to make the people around him smile, he had to smile first. Show them that no matter how awful things were, there were still things that were not. And so he began to do what he always did when he began to feel this way, he started to list things.

The car was warm, which was good. The seat was comfortable. His muscles were still sore and aching, but at least his bruises had faded. All good things. Ichijou was asleep next to him, and his breaths were quiet, shallow murmurs that made Godai’s heart ache. This was a better thing. Something new. Something precious.

He had started listing things back when he was a kid, at first he kept track of all the countries and cities his father wrote to them from and then he kept track of the skills that he learned as a tally to show himself that he was someone. Worth something. That he was moving forwards, even if he had no idea towards where.

Maybe towards this moment.

Maybe his whole life had been a preparation, not just for becoming Kuuga and to try to stand between humanity and the monsters that preyed on them. But for this. For loving someone that deserved it and clearly did not realize that.

Love. It was the first time he really thought about it as that.

Like was simpler. Like implied shared interests. Being comfortable together. Being friends. Love… love implied so much more. Neither of them had said the word. Neither of them had shared more than kisses.

He kept a list of them too.

Not that many yet, because it was still so new, still so fragile. Sometimes he caught Ichijou looking at him with a frown, as if he was trying to solve a particularly vexing mystery. They hadn’t really talked much about it, but occasionally they touched now. Just small things. Ichijou putting his hand on Godai’s shoulder as he walked past, a job well done gesture that he wouldn’t have done a month ago. Sometimes, in private, in the car, there would be a moment where Godai would reach out and place his hand over Ichijou’s, a small gesture that he had thought of doing so many times before he finally dared to.

Small kisses. Brief brushes of lips in the passing. One long, hot one, with Godai pushed up against the wall of the police garage, his hands tangled in Ichijou’s coat, heart racing, tongues brushing together leaving him breathless and lost as they had to pull apart since footsteps were approaching.

He wished they had time. Neither of them were people who let others in fast. Godai had never had a girlfriend that had lasted longer than a month, and had never really had more than a passing interest in boys. Ichijou, by his own admission, had done even less. Having a relationship, even having sex… it hadn’t been something that had been as high on his list of priorities as he knew it should have been, even back when he was in his teens. He had never really counted on falling in love and raising a family, that would have been Minori’s life, and he would have been the cool uncle who dropped by now and then and would do anything for his little nieces and nephews.

And then he had fallen in love. And that changed things.

Not instantly. Little by little. He had always loved to touch people, but doing more… it had always felt like an obligation, something he did because his girlfriends really wanted it, and he really wanted to make them happy. Make them smile. Ichijou… made him feel selfish. Made him want more. Made him want to move faster. But he wouldn’t. Not too fast anyway.

So he would let Ichijou nap. He might get one too. And once they woke up they would figure out what could be done to stop this Grongi, and save some lives. Maybe after that they would have some time to talk.

Maybe a moment of respite before the next attack.

He kept a list of them too.


	4. Out (late ep 24)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set at the end of episode 24, during and after the fight with Garima.

After a while, pretending like it didn't hurt became second nature to Godai.

Not that he hadn't been used to it before, but that had been smaller pains to ignore; chafed feet on a long trek, or a nasty sunburn that made his skin flake off. Since becoming Kuuga, he now had to hide cracked ribs, bruises that went deep into the muscles and torn tendons that made him limp. Of course, he healed rapidly as well, so he generally didn't have to pretend too long, but...

... then there were the aches. He wasn't sure what else to call the constant soreness in his muscles as his body slowly changed to deal with the new power coursing through it. He'd almost gotten used to that as well, and then everything changed after his near brush with death. Suddenly everything felt... odd. Like licking batteries or touching an electric fence. It hurt to move. It hurt to touch things. But at the same time it felt good to. Like an aching muscle that wanted to be flexed. That wanted to be unleashed.

Sometimes he wondered what he would have done if there were no Grongi, but then again, if they hadn't appeared he never would have become Kuuga so it was a moot point. And once they were gone (he hoped, he prayed that they really would go away) then he would deal with things in his own time. But for now, there was always a target that he could unleash his frustrations on. For a good cause. To save someone. To protect people.

Like the people being targeted now. He had got word back that the current victims had been passengers on the same train. The train Miss Sakurako had been on.

That blow struck close. Too close. Close enough to make his throat constrict and his heart beat faster as he sped up, the bike shifting recklessly between lanes.

There was a Grongi out there cutting the head off people. Tracking them. Chasing them down.

And now he was chasing it. No... not it. Her. He wasn't sure when he had started to think of the Grongi as if they were people more than monsters, but he wasn't sure he liked it.

Ichijou had told him over the radio where she had been spotted. Not far away, and she was on foot so she wouldn't be able to get away. No, not she. It. The monster that wore the shape of a woman. That would kill another woman unless he (or Ichijou, because he'd trust his life and the lives of his friends to the detective) found her first. Could protect her.

Could protect Miss Sakurako. He could do that now. She trusted him to get it right and Mrs Enokida had helped him with the rest. Refinement. Focus.

A focus that felt as good as a sharp knife cleaving an apple. Crisp somehow.

Godai sped up as he heard the scream, Miss Sakurako was running, chased by the Grongi woman (and he should think of them as animals, as monsters, but all he sees is the blade in her hands) and never had ramming his bike into someone felt that good.

"Hurry, run!" he screams, and he sees Miss Sakurako do just that. Good. He can stop thinking of her now and focus on the woman (no, the monster, the Grongi, the murderer) in front of him.

The arcle is a sweet, warm weight around his waist when he calls it forth, the shift into purple as easy as flexing a muscle. Was there a time when he couldn't even focus the anger to change into the armour until he started hitting someone? So long ago, these days the fury is always there, seething under the skin, ready like a sharp knife.

The trychaser handle transforms in his hand, transforms with him, a blade to suit his anger, a weapon to match hers and more...

It feels good now. The pain. The aching muscles, the burning skin. It feels good to take that pain and bring it to the fore, to transform and re-transform, to dive deeper into the dark ocean that is Kuuga and come up... reborn.

Gold. Invulnerable. Hard. The Grongi doesn't stand a chance and maybe she knows it, but they both understand this is how it must go down. The lightning isn't random anymore, he can hold it in his hands, can take the pain and focus it down the blade. Purple and gold. Devouring electricity. It goes into her stomach (no, the monster, the Grongi, not her, not a woman) as easily as a skewer through fish, and the explosion sears his armoured skin but doesn't hurt.

Nothing hurts and that's a bit frightening.

Godai drops the armour as fast as he can, because Miss Sakurako is fine, and the Grongi is dead, and she won't kill any more people, and Ichijou is there and that makes tenseness in his stomach dissolve into a million butterflies.

Suddenly he is not Kuuga, fearless and invulnerable, he's just Godai Yuusuke, out of his depth and properly in love for the first time with a man he's in no way deserves and he just saved the life of his best friend and the thumbs up feels like the most natural thing in the world and his smile makes Sakurako smile, and then Ichijou smiles as well, a fond, exasperated one as he takes a step closer, and Godai does the same and...

His lips brush the detective's lips, a breach of personal space, of privacy. A soft, personal moment just for the two of them. Two. No. Three.

The kiss was easy. It's the look on Miss Sawatari's face that's hard. The surprise. The shock. The small step back.

Ichijou shares the look of surprise, the smile transformed into sombre worry.

Godai knew he shouldn't have done this, once again it was too much, too soon, and he wasn't invulnerable anymore, not where it really counted in his heart. And neither were his friends.

"I... my bike," Godai mumbles, breaking the silence for them, carrying the embarrassment on his own shoulders since he was the cause. "I'd better go check if it's alright."

He turns his back and walks away, palms sweaty, body still tingling from the fight. His shoes make tracks in the ashy remains of the Grongi, he's polluting a crime scene but he can't think about that now. Just about the fact that he can hear Ichijou and Sakurako share a few awkward words, but he doesn't listen, he just walks and hunches down by the fallen trychaser, checking it for damage.

Mechanical things are easier than people. He can ask Enokida for help there, but who can he ask about his feelings? About things that were supposed to be secret but now is not?

He screwed up badly enough that Ichijou's hand on his shoulder nearly makes him jump.

"Godai Yuusuke..."

"Yes!" Godai looks up, then down just as quickly. He knows he sounds like he's answering an angry teacher, but he feels like a truant student all of a sudden.

"You kissed me." The words are calm, descriptive, and maybe a bit disbelieving.

"Just a peck," Godai defended himself.

"In front of her." That was the crux, wasn't it?

"She's my oldest friend." Godai still kept looking at the bike, checking the front wheel thoroughly, fingering the tire. "She won't gossip about it."

"That's..." Ichijou sighed and hunched down next to Godai, running his hand over the wheel as well. Almost touching. "I wish you had not done that."

"She won't mind," Godai insisted, stubbornly.

"Are you sure?" Ichijou's voice held a familiar reserve that Godai had never wanted to hear again. That he had thought they were past. "Tsubaki said she was in love with you."

"Tsubaki doesn't know everything."

"Is he wrong though?"

"I hope so..." Godai let out a long sigh, finally looking up at Ichijou again, only to find the man looking steadily at him with the faintest of concerned frowns. "I'm not exactly boyfriend material, as you've found out."

"You did warn me about that." It might have been a joke. Or an observation. Ichijou's face gave no clues to his intent.

"I know... and I'm sorry." Godai stood up and pulled the bike up with him, with a little help from Ichijou. "I just don't like all these secrets. Or lying to my friends." He liked things being simple. But his life lately had been anything but. Masks. Duties. Secret affairs. Since when had he turned into someone who did those things?

"Have someone been asking questions?" There was a gentle concern in Ichijou's voice that made Godai feel ashamed of himself and his screwed up priorities. It was Ichijou that had wanted to keep it a secret, but what he was afraid of, Godai wasn't sure. Maybe experiments or other things, but Godai just couldn't see the policemen he had met do something like that.

No," he admitted. "But..."

"People don't ask what they can't guess. They don't know that you are nr 4 either."

Godai did turn to look at the detective then, his voice going soft. "The people closest to me do." He would not have been able to cope otherwise.

"Your uncle doesn't."

"I keep trying to tell him, but..." The laugh was sheepish, his adopted uncle was as bad with hints as with jokes. Maybe one day.

"But...?" Ichijou followed as Godai begun to walk aimlessly down the road, pushing the bike along.

"I think he thinks that nr 4 is a hero, someone that is larger than life." Godai laughed a little, looking back over his shoulder. Normally Ichijou would have stayed to direct the police whose sirens he could hear approaching. Not this time though, it seemed that this talk was more important than duty. That made him feel a little warmer inside.

"I'd say that do sound like you," Ichijou said with the first hints of a smile on his face, as if he could pick up on Godai's lightening spirits.

"No," Godai protested. "I'm just the shifty son of his best friend who skips out on work and never acts responsibly."

"Godai Yuusuke," Ichijou said with utmost sincerity. "You are the most responsible man I know."

"Stop..." Godai tried not to blush. "But I am sorry that I didn't ask you before I kissed you. The moment just seemed so right, and she won't tell anyone."

Ichijou was silent for a moment, then he sighed and looked away. "But you want to."

"Sometimes, yes. But what I want isn't necessarily the smartest or most practical thing in the world." The world had showed him that more than once. "I know what this can do to your career. How your friends might react."

Ichijou made a dismissive gesture with his hand. "I just like to keep my private life private."

"You mean you actually have a private life?" Godai teased.

"You have been talking too much to Tsubaki."

"I have to talk to someone about you, or I might just burst open at the seams."

"You... talk about me? So ... he knows?" Ichijou sounded like he had problems connecting the dots.

"Yes, didn't you tell him?"

"No," Ichijou assured with no small amount of horror. "Like I said, my private life is private."

"Well, he knows anyway. And from the sound, he might have known it longer than you."

"Don't joke around like that."

"I'm not! He offered his congratulations when we prepped for the x-rays back when I... was not dead anymore."

"After you kissed me, you mean," Ichijou said with that look of wonder he got every time they talked about it. As if he couldn't quite believe it.

"That too."

"That man..."

"Don't be too hard on him. He was just happy for you. And he told me that if I ever hurt you, he'd..."

"He'd do what?" Ichijou sounded equal parts amused and surprised.

"I'm not sure. I think he lost track of what he was saying when I hugged him."

You hugged him?"

"And gushed about you. Just a little," Godai added after seeing the dawning look of horror on Ichijou's face.

"You're impossible, both of you."

"Because we care about you?"

"Yes!" The word held enough frustration that Godai couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled forth even though he tried to.

"I'm sorry," he finally managed to get out.

"I'm sorry too." Ichijou apologized with a solemn look on his face. "I just don't think our relationship is anybody else's business."

"It's not," Godai agreed, secretly happy that this was indeed a relationship.

"And we don't even know what we are yet."

"I do," Godai said with a smile that came from the heart.

"Godai Yuusuke..." By now Ichijou looked as if he was nursing a headache.

"I know. I'm sorry." The touch was small and unnoticed, just a brush of fingers against the detective's arm.

"I am too."

They walked in silence for a little, Godai leaning heavily on the bike, Ichijou walking on the other side of it. Now that the adrenaline had faded, his muscles were protesting. It would be easier to drive off, but he didn't want to run away from this conversation, so he forced himself to ignore the pain and continue to talk.

"I'll talk to her later," he assured Ichijou. "And make sure to tell her not to mention what she saw to anyone."

Ichijou took a moment before he responded with a soft "Thank you."

"Sometimes I act without really thinking first," Godai admitted with a sheepish laugh.

"I've noticed," came the dry reply.

"I'll try to, though. In the future. For you."

"Do it for yourself," Ichijou protested. "I don't want you to end up in more trouble.

"I don't really think anyone would care about who I love."

"That's not what I was talking about." Either Ichijou had missed the mention of the word 'love' or he was ignoring it.

"Oh," Godai grimaced a little both relieved and sad that there was no reaction. "You're talking about Kuuga."

"You didn't think that through either."

"I did what I needed to do."

"And it nearly killed you."

"I'm alive. I'm here."

"I know. And I would be dead if you hadn't done what you did, I just... wish I could be more open about this."

"About me being Kuuga or about us?"

"Both. But especially the last," Ichijou admitted with a sigh.

"Are you more afraid that people will shun you or that they will congratulate you?"

"Godai..." the name was a warning this time, but that just made Godai smile wider.

"Sometimes, Ichijou, you overcomplicate things. If people want to shun you, they were not worthy being friends with you in the first place. But I don't think you would be friends with people that stupid. And if they want to be happy for you, let them."

"If people get too close, they might end up getting hurt. I'm not good at being a friend."

"That's their call, isn't it? Both on whether you are a good friend, or if they want to risk getting hurt. You can't stop people from doing what they truly want. You shouldn't."

"I wish I could spare you." The look was filled with a familiar darkness that made Godai stop in his tracks.

"Stop it," he said sternly, leaning over the bike to pull Ichijou in for a kiss.

"It's not your job to risk your life." The detective looked quickly around as they broke the kiss, but there was nobody nearby.

"No," Godai admitted as he sat down astride the bike, looking steadily at Ichijou. "But it is my right."

It was anybody's right to risk their life for whatever cause they thought worthy.

His right. Ichijou's. The police officers that helped them and died. It was their choice to keep standing between the Grongi and humanity. To fight for their future.

To fight...

He wished he could put words to why that thought filled him with such eager unease lately.


	5. Uneasiness (during ep 25)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set during episode 25.

What did you do when you had too many books? Godai had no idea, his bookshelf had been what he could carry with him in his backpack, and they had been given away once he had learned what they had to offer. How to fix a bike. How to speak Spanish. How to do origami. His latest one was still unread in his room back at the Pore Pore, he had planned to take up knitting as his 2000nd skill, but then Kuuga had happened and he doubted he had time for anything that calming again. Maybe later. He still wanted to make Sakurako a hat just to see her surprised face when he gave it to her. Maybe once this was over he'd make one for Ichijou too, and the thought of the awkward look on the detective's face that would probably be the result made him smile a little.

"Thank you for helping me clean up this mess." Sakurako smiled a little in return, and Godai smiled back wider, but there was no dispelling the tension that had appeared between them.

It was amazing how many things a kiss could change, not just for him but for other people. Had Tsubaki been right? Had Sakurako really been having a crush on him? Godai kept sneaking glances at her while he picked up books, trying to decipher the arcane system of stacks she used since the bookshelves were long since filled. She looked... the same. At least the same as she had looked since the Grongi attacks started, slightly distant, distracted and out of her depth. Ichijou was wrong... it wasn't Godai that shouldn't have been pulled into this mess, it was her.

She had never asked for it. Ever since he got to know her back at the university, she'd been happiest with her research, doing her own thing, in her own time. In a way she was as insular as Ichijou, and maybe that was why their friendship had lasted. They both understood the need for space, but now there was a bigger need, and he could see how she struggled to cope with the demands for facts and knowledge she didn't have yet.

"I don't mind cleaning," he finally said, because the air was too tense and she had restacked the same pile twice already. "I wanted a chance to talk to you anyway."

Sakurako didn't look at him, but she did stop stacking books, just standing there with one in her arms, hugging it awkwardly. "I didn't know about you two."

"It's still a pretty new thing," he admitted, as if that would make things better.

"I thought you were joking about going on dates..." Her laugh was light and slightly sheepish, and he couldn't help but sharing that as well.

"I was. Or well, I wasn't. But he didn't know that." It hadn't been love at first sight but...

... maybe first knock. He'd known something was up that first time, when he had been having dinner with Sakurako and Ichijou had come by and knocked at the window at the restaurant, and he had looked up and the detective had been standing there, and his heart had made this little curious skipping of a beat and his stomach had twisted in a way that hadn't really happened before. It wasn't fair that someone could make you that happy just by showing up and being there, being themselves. He wondered if Ichijou knew the effect he had on him. Probably not.

"Godai," Sakurako interrupted his thoughts. "Do me a favour and try not to traumatize the nice detective." Her smile was fond and slightly less strained, he hoped she was getting to terms with their new status quo.

"I'm not that bad, am I?"

"You think the height of humour is to sneak through the window in a monster mask," she chided.

"Ichijou might..." have appreciated it he meant to say, but she was faster.

"... have punched you. Or shot you" Her face was grave and brought with it memories of how the cops had been at the start, when they had really thought he was one of the Grongi.

"True, it is a bad time to go joking around about monsters I suppose." Godai scratched the back of his head with an embarrassed laugh.

"It is. And thank you again for saving me." She still looked slightly shaken, and he guessed it was one thing to be watching the news about the attacks, and another one to actually be the target of one. He was so glad he had got there in time, and yet the others...

"I just wish I could have..." he mumbled, mostly to himself.

"Don't let it get to you." Sakurako put the book down and walked over to his side. "You can't be everywhere. You can't save everyone." She didn't hug him, but she put a hand on his shoulder, looking at him with rare concern. Usually it was the other way around, and her obvious worry made Godai feel a bit self-conscious.

"Come on," he laughed. "No need to look that concerned. I know you're right, I am moving forward and all that." Not dwelling on when he had failed, because there was no time. The smile was not as hard to summon as he had feared it might be.

"Good," she said after having studied his smiling face for a moment. "That's more like the Godai I know."

"Speaking of other things..." his smile turned small and shy, and a lot more real. "Could you keep it to yourself? About me and Ichijou? It's not something we want people talking about."

"Of course. I can see that. It must be... complicated." She sighed a little and moved back to her desk.

"Complicated, and a little bit scary, but mostly wonderful," Godai admitted with a soft laugh.

"I really do wish the two of you the best." Sakurako sounded less awkward now, as if she was coming to terms with it. "You deserve a bit of happiness with what has been happening to you."

"About that..." Godai picked up another stack of books, her words bringing back the other reason he had wanted to talk to her. "There's something I've been pondering this last month." He put the books down on the designated overflow table before he continued. "If it's true that these aches really can make me stronger," which they had, he still remembered the frightening surge of potential when he channelled it into the sword. "Then maybe I can use it for more than my purple form. Maybe my green, blue and red forms could also become more powerful."

Sakurako didn't look up at him, unease gathered around her shoulders as she indexed a few more books in her notebook. "I suppose so."

"But why wasn't it written on the tomb?" He knew it wasn't fair to put this on her shoulders, it was a dead language, and as she had told him, if she translated something and got it wrong, then it would be her fault if he got hurt. He had told her that it didn't matter, that the risk of getting faulty information was better than getting none, but she didn't agree.

"Hmmm." She looked away, a little too fast, a little too shifty. "Anyway," she continued in a stronger voice, "as long as you're alright Godai, why not just let it be?"

"I suppose you've got a point." Godai looked at her and sighed a little. It was written all over her that this subject made her far more uneasy than talking about him and Ichijou, which in turn made him even more cautious. If he was the one leaping in first without looking, Sakurako looked three times before entering carefully. Normally he would have chided her for being a worrywart, but now... "I don't like the idea of becoming stronger either," he admitted. That rush of power had been the purest bliss he had felt since this whole thing started, and it scared him.

From the look on her face, he was not the only one that was scared.


	6. Lying is the last resort (ep 29-30)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during ep 30, but with flashbacks to ep 29. No fear, smoochies will return in the next chapter, just felt I wanted to get this down first because it will be important later.

The pain stops the moment Godai calls on the lightning. Or maybe he just stops caring about it. He's not entirely sure which frightens him more. The factory around him is abandoned; he hopes it is at least, he really does because something is about to either go very wrong or very right. This is dangerous. Too dangerous. Tsubaki said so. Tsubaki warned him. Maybe he should have listened. Maybe he shouldn't have lied. But lying was what got him through the day.

...

_Earlier..._

_Back in Tsubaki's office, x-rays were lit up showing the progressing changes being done to Godai's body. Should he have been scared? He was, but you got used to lying about that as well because being scared changed nothing about what he had to do._

_"I actually meant it as a joke," Tsubaki said with a thoughtful frown, swivelling his chair around so he could look at Godai, "but in the end I can't find anything to explain your current rise in power other than the defibrillator."_

_"So it's really true? I thought so too." Godai chanced a glance at Ichijou, who stood hovering in a corner, before looking back at Tsubaki._

_"That incident caused the amadam to change, which allowed it to use the electricity to give you more power." Tsubaki didn't look too pleased with that, and neither did anybody else._

_"You called us just to explain that?" Ichijou kept his arms crossed, but right now Godai was not sure whether his unease was because of the subject, or because of the knowledge that Tsubaki apparently knew about them._

_"Due to the golden power, as you call it, you've become stronger." Tsubaki kept looking at Godai. "Your muscular electrolysis has improved and more power is going from the amadam to your brain using your nervous system. If this is true, then it confirms that..." the pause is long enough to be awkward "...it really is a living weapon created for battle."_

_The silence descended on the room, and Godai wants to point out that weapons can protect people as well, Mrs Enokida spends her days in the lab working on making new ones, the amadam is nothing more than a tool, something he can use to protect everybody, but... he's not sure he can say those things with conviction anymore. Not right now. Luckily Ichijou breaks the silence and saves him from trying._

_"I understand that when the amadam is affected by electricity it shows changes," the detective says, slowly, carefully, going over the implications in his head. "But... why does it only increase his fighting powers?_

_"That's because..." Tsubaki starts with a frown, and Godai hurries to interrupt._

_"I think it's because I want to become stronger." This answer is safe, and it might even be true. He doesn't want to know any other ones, and neither does Ichijou need to hear them. "After you used the defibrillator, those creatures started to become more powerful. So I felt I had to become stronger as well. Afterwards, those aches started happening, so I'm sure it must have been some kind of reaction to that." Godai hopes. He hopes that so much._

_"It is true that your brain has been calling for more power from the amadam..." Tsubaki doesn't seem entirely convinced._

_"So Godai's willpower activated the power of the amadam, which started more changes in his body?" Ichijou however wants to believe, and Godai loves him a little bit more for it._

_"If you think of it like that it might be a good thing, but..." Tsubaki frowns and leans closer; trying to strip away the layer of lies like his x-ray stripped away flesh from bones. "Godai, are you really alright? Have your body changed in other ways?_

_"I'm completely fine," Godai lies with his widest smile._

_"What about your right leg?" Tsubaki doesn't buy it, he never really has. Maybe that's part of being a doctor, judging when your patient might be lying to you. "If these changes keep happening, it might be excruciatingly painful for you."_

_"Even if you say that..." Godai smiled sadly and patted his leg a little, flexing his sore muscles._

_"If you become red and use the golden power..." Tsubaki put a hand on Godai's leg as well. "The power channelled through here will be extreme." Not a sword. Not a bowgun or a spear. His own flesh and blood. "It could be dangerous to your body."_

_"But I'm okay for now." Godai smiles and does his thumbs up, because what else can he do but keep lying even if neither of the others believe him? Even if Ichijou lingers after he has left, no doubt voicing worries he doesn't want Godai to hear. Even if there is a moment afterwards when he gets on his bike when it catches up to him._

_The weight of what he is carrying. What he is doing. What he might be called on to do in the future. The pain. Because Tsubaki is right. It hurts._

...

And then it doesn't. Godai's flesh feels like it is on fire, but it is a good pain. Cleansing. Powerful. Right in the way that few things have been right lately, because the turtle Grongi put him back in the hospital for the first time in months. Had beaten him back to white with his massive flail. Had bashed him unconscious and left him bedridden, writing in pain. What was it that Tsubaki had said... that his regeneration was against all the laws of physics?

Breaking the laws of physics hurt. Maybe this should too. His leg is on fire, and he is smiling inside the helmet and he wishes that Ichijou has listened to him and stayed clear. Because he warned the detective. Warned him that he might need to do this. Warned him that he might need to call for the golden power in his red form. His most powerful. His most primal. The power build-up might be extreme. Tsubaki had said it would hurt.

Tsubaki didn't understand.

Ichijou did. He had just nodded and said:

"If that is the way, it can't be helped. Leave it to me."

Godai wishes that he could, and Ichijou had tried. Had tried to help him not having to do this. Had saved him when the turtle had him in a stranglehold with a well-aimed shot from his sniper rifle. Had proceeded to shoot all the rings the Grongi used to fight with, one after the other. Had been knocked down by a ricochet, or by the Grongi, or shrapnel, Godai wasn't sure, because all he had seen was Ichijou fall and the world fell with him.

Knocking the Grongi off the building was easy. Jumping after it, flowing from red to blue to red again didn't even require thought. Just fury. Calling the Gouram to his bike was not an act of will, it was instinct. Ichijou was hurt. Again. And this creature, this armoured monster that had killed so many people were to blame. And maybe that was it. What was needed.

The anger. The hate.

Ramming the turtle is not hard, Gouram keeping it held securely in its jaws. Trying to put off the inevitable end is harder but he had to get away first. Had to keep people safe. Had to keep Ichijou safe.

That is the only thing that matters, because the important thing is to destroy this turtle monster, and at least it is easier this time because he has not seen a human face, but maybe it wouldn't have mattered because he needs this.

Needs to release the pressure that has been building in him. Needs an outlet for the frustration. For the fury. For the fire.

The pain stops the moment Godai calls on the lightning. Or maybe he just stops caring about it. He's not entirely sure which frightens him more. The factory around him is abandoned; he hopes it is at least, he really does because something is about to either go very wrong or very right. It feels right when he jumps. It feels better than right, it feels glorious, and the impact is hard enough to engulf them both in flames which just keeps growing.

Godai Yuusuke is standing at the centre of an explosion and it is the most glorious thing he has ever experienced. The fire surrounds him, but it is his.

He is of it. It is of him.

The buildings that shatter from the spreading shockwave might as well have been cardboard in a world of flames. His flames.

Maybe he should have burned but he did not.


	7. Could have (post ep 30)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place post episode 30.

Godai was not sure how far he had walked before he saw Ichijou running towards him, rifle in hand. He had not yet reached the edge of the ruins, and from the look on the detective's face he guessed that the fact that he was on his feet and unhurt was more than the man had expected.

"Godai!"

Things really had changed since the time he had almost died, this time Ichijou was not afraid to close the distance between them, and the hesitation before he clapped him on the shoulder for a job well done was short enough to hardly be noticed.

"I'm fine," Godai assured, still feeling numb and distant. His clothes were untouched. The bike was... well, he had left it back there and hopefully Gouram would have protected it.

"The explosion… number 39?"

"He's dead. I'm not hurt. I just need to..." Godai tried to focus the sentence on what he really needed. What he wanted. He couldn't even find the words anymore.

"Hang on; I'll get you to the hospital." Ichijou steadied him when he was about to topple, pulling one arm over his shoulder so he could help him stagger away from the destruction.

"No. Please." Not the hospital. Not machines. Not Tsubaki asking questions and looking at him like the monster he was. "I'm fine."

"You're a bad liar, Godai Yuusuke, but fine... I do owe you." There was the faintest hint of a smile there; they were both so very alike in their ways.

"Thanks... I just... I just need to be alone for a little."

"You shouldn't be alone right now."

"Okay,” Godai said meekly. “Alone with you then. Unless you need to..."

"The investigation? People will handle it. They will most likely cordon the entire area off anyway. The buildings might not be structurally sound."

"I'm sorry..."

"Shhh..." Ichijou sounded entirely awkward as he led Godai back towards the car.

Maybe Godai should have stopped talking, but now that he had started he found it hard to stop. The devastation around him was a testament to the thrill he had felt at losing himself, was this what it meant being a weapon? Did the texts refer to the amadam or to the user?

"I'm a menace," he mumbled to himself, but Ichijou caught his words all the same.

"You're not. You suspected something might happen and acted accordingly. This area is mostly deserted. Nobody died." How could Ichijou be so sure about that? Godai didn't want to ask. He didn't want to hear if Ichijou was really lying for his sake.

"But there still was a lot of damage," he mumbled instead, looking back as Ichijou unlocked the car where it was parked, right at the edge of the devastation.

"Godai." Ichijou squeezed his shoulder, leading him around the car to the passenger side.

"I'm sorry." He tried to wipe his eyes, because they had started burning and Ichijou deserved better than having Godai fall apart on him. "I'll do better next time."

"Are you..." The detective hesitated for a moment, but then, instead of finishing the sentence, he wrapped Godai in a surprisingly tight hug.

For a moment there Godai was the one who felt himself tensing, hesitating to just relax and let go. And then he felt himself crack, little by little, like ice under a heavy load. He wasn't crying, he wasn't, not really, and he kept repeating "I'm fine. I'm fine," mumbling the words into Ichijou's shoulder.

"It's fine not to be." Ichijou kept holding him, and Godai wondered if the detective had to console many people before. He had never thought about it, but even before the Grongi there was a lot of human ugliness in the world where Ichijou lived.

"This is stupid," Godai finally mumbled as he got himself back under control, pushing away from Ichijou, wiping his face with his sleeve.

"No. It's not." Ichijou just opened the door to the car, holding it while Godai stepped inside. "I'm just surprised it hasn't happened before."

Godai waited until the car was running before he started talking, it had taken him a little to get his feelings back under control. How long had it been since he had lost his cool like this? Years probably.

"I never was a danger before," he said with a small sigh. "I saved people."

"You still do," Ichijou reminded softly.

"I could have killed someone."

"The explosion from your fight might have killed someone. But it is not as if there were alternatives. The Grongi would have kept killing."

"Sorry." Godai apologized again, which was starting to feel ridiculous enough for him to almost smile. "I'm normally not like this."

"The first time I shot a man I nearly quit being a cop." The comment was directed at the dashboard, Ichijou keeping his eyes on the road as he drove.

"What?" Godai wasn't sure he had heard the other man correctly at first, but Ichijou's face was grave enough to fit a funeral, and he kept talking as he drove.

"It was a domestic disturbance. A man beating his wife. I think the neighbours were the ones that called the cops, because she wouldn't have. I learned that later. It had been going on for years, him beating her, she making excuses for him." A soft, frustrated breath that Godai had learned to recognize as the closest Ichijou got to cursing. "Apparently he got violent when drunk, and he got drunk too often. She was all bloody when we arrived; he had a bottle in his hand. I think it was broken, but I'm honestly not sure. I told him to drop it all the same, but he attacked. I didn't even think, I just pulled the trigger. Shot him in the leg."

There was no real emotion in the words, just a matter of factness that made Godai wonder what Ichijou really had seen before the Grongi came.

"I was taken off active duty pending the investigation," the detective continued, "but it was deemed that I had acted appropriately. And yet... I could most likely have disarmed him. He was drunk. But I had my gun drawn, and just..."

"Ichijou." Godai reached out and brushed the other man's leg, just a little comforting touch that was enough to make Ichijou jump and give him a quick look.

"Don't misunderstand me. I didn't nearly quit because I shot someone. I went through counselling afterwards of course, because I should have reacted like you are now. Been shocked. Horrified. I had aimed my gun at another human being and pulled the trigger."

His voice was cold, controlled, no trace of emotion on his face as he drove. Godai sunk a little lower in the seat, and looked out the side window instead. At the world he was now responsible for protecting.

"Instead I was... annoyed." Ichijou's mouth curled in disgust at the word. "I was fine. I had acted according to what I had been taught. I had stopped a man that had been beating his wife. I didn't need counselling." The look on his face was grim. Serious. "It took a couple of months for that to scare me. I should have been traumatized. I could have killed him. I had no qualms pulling the trigger. No hesitation. I was as much a monster as some of the people we hunted down. I nearly quit then."

"You're not a monster." Godai smiled shyly.

"I know," Ichijou acknowledged with a deeper sigh. "Being a monster is not about what you are. It is about what you do. Our actions. And so I decided to be a better policeman so I wouldn't have to do anything like that again."

"I think I understand." Godai rubbed his neck and grimaced a little. "I just have to be..."

"No. That's not what I mean." The car pulled to a halt in front of a small hotel, and Ichijou turned to face Godai, giving him a stern look. "What you feel is normal. It's how you are supposed to react. That is why I wish you weren't needed to do this."

"But I am." Godai was starting to feel more grounded again, as if the privacy of the car and the distance from the wreckage enabled him to pretend that it had never happened. That he had never felt the fire surround him. That it had never felt so good.

"And you shouldn't blame yourself for feeling this way." Ichijou opened the door, stepping out of the car. Godai followed without question.

"I am glad you're not prone to hesitation," he admitted with a sheepish little smile that didn't feel too pained when he tried it on. "You saved me back there with your shooting. You have, more than once."

"I'm glad." The admission was a small thing as they waited for the elevator.

"Where... are we going?" Godai hadn't even thought about it, he had assumed the hospital at first, then maybe the police station or Sakurako's office, or... but this was a hotel.

"My apartment is in Nagano." Ichijou's voice was strained; he kept looking at the closed elevator doors as if he could summon it faster. "I'm staying at this hotel while I am assigned to Tokyo."

"I see..." Godai said with pursed lips and a thoughtful nod. "I never thought to ask."

"You generally don't." There was a faint smile in Ichijou's voice, if not on his face. "And no, you are not intruding. And neither should you be alone right now."

"Because I might still be in shock."

"Your heart doesn't heal as fast as your body." The elevator doors opened with a ping, letting them both inside. Godai tried to refrain from thinking about the Grongi that had been killing people in elevators, and the horrible mess she had left behind.

"I think back there in the car was the longest speech you've ever had," Godai had to point out, sneaking peeks at Ichijou's face in the elevator mirror.

"Most likely," he admitted with a hint of embarrassment.

"And you're wrong." The statement was simple and true.

"What?" Ichijou turned his head, the frown deepening.

"Just because you don't let yourself feel doesn't mean the feelings aren't there." The elevator doors opened so Godai couldn't hug the man, just follow him through the corridor to his room.

"Godai." The name felt like a sigh when Ichijou unlocked the door and let them both in.

"It's like us," Godai said quietly once they were in the safety of the room. Ichijou's room. "Just because you don't shout it from the rooftops doesn't mean I don't know how you feel."

"You do see more than most." Ichijou stepped out of his shoes, looking anywhere but Godai.

"Maybe I just look closer." This really was Ichijou's room, small, clean and with the faintly impersonal feel of a hotel. But there were stacks of papers on the small desk, not even the massive overtime seemed to stop Ichijou from bringing home more work.

"Make yourself at home." Ichijou shrugged off the coat, looking utterly awkward. He probably did not have guests often.

"I am home," Godai said with a soft smile that made Ichijou's cheeks colour in the dim light.

"You shouldn't..." the protest was not very insistent when Godai stepped closer, stretching slightly to place a kiss on Ichijou's lips. "You're still traumatized," the detective mumbled into the kiss.

"I'm not." Godai shook his head, standing so close. "I just want to feel human." No flames. No power. No Kuuga. Just Godai Yuusuke.

"You are more human than anyone I've ever met." Ichijou's face softened a little. "But I can't take advanta..." the rest of the sentenced drowned in another kiss, the detective stepping backwards until his back hit the wall.

"Do you trust me?" Godai felt his stomach twitch, his hands on Ichijou's shoulders.

"I do," came the breathless reply.

"Then trust me when I say that I want this." Godai didn't press on, didn't kiss Ichijou again. Didn't even keep him pinned to the wall, he just stepped back to let the other man breathe. To have a few moments to think. "And I do want something to drink too, if you have it."

"There is a small fridge," Ichijou gestured with one hand, the other touching his lips with a cautious expression. "Feel free to take what you want"

"Thank you," Godai said, keeping his voice light as he walked over and hunched down to pull out a soda. This was... what was he even doing? But he hadn't been lying before. He just wanted to... what did he even want? Not to ruin this by moving too fast again. "They will probably charge you an arm and a leg for a soda though," he warned, keeping his voice light.

"The police department is picking up the bill for this place." Ichijou sounded a bit more steady now, as if having someone in his room wasn't a nearly unheard of experience.

"I guess they really must appreciate you." Godai emptied the soda, at least now the taste of ashes and gravel was gone."

"I guess..." Ichijou shrugged and kept watching him, as if he was searching for some sign that Godai wasn't, wouldn't be okay.

Time. Maybe that was all they needed sometimes. Godai knew that, he wished he wasn't so impatient, so filled with the need to just move on. Do something. Distract himself. Not even his body was any help there, it wasn't hurting half as bad as it used to. Still a bit sore, especially his right leg, but Tsubaki had been wrong. He wasn't hurt very badly, most of the bruised were actually from the fight, and they were healing.

Maybe the aches would be gone for good now that his true potential had been unleashed. That thought made him smile a little, and he wasn't ready for the fact that it was Ichijou that stepped close this time, tilted back his head and kissed him hard.

He dropped the can when he grabbed Ichijou by the lapels of his jacket, pulling him closer, stumbling back until he was sandwiched between wall and man. Kissing as if their lives depended on it.

Maybe not their lives. But their sanity.


	8. Something Important (post ep 30)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one continues right after chapter 7, and is a nsfw. Just so you know.

 

"I smell like battle."

"I don't care." Ichijou had broken he kiss briefly so they could talk. "Do you?" he added with that familiar concern he got when he wasn't sure exactly what the other person was thinking.

"Not really." Godai found it hard to care about anything right now, least of all how he smelled.

There had been no interruptions. There would be no interruptions. They were here alone, the doors were closed and unless there was a new Grongi attack, there was no reason for them to be anywhere until morning. And it was too soon for an attack, at least he hoped so. It usually took everything from a few days to a few weeks to prepare before the monsters appeared again, so they had time. Time and privacy.

Maybe it hadn't quite sunk in yet, because their kiss had been desperately hurried. Godai had added it to his list of kisses, which so far consisted of either shy or desperately hot ones. This was definitely one of the latter, even if Ichijou now pulled back enough to reach out and run a hand over Godai's cheek. Soft. Careful. Like he considered the implications of this as thoroughly as any other strategic decision.

"You don't have to worry," Godai assured, placing his hand over Ichijou's. "I'm fine."

"That's not what I'm worried about."

There wasn't much of a height difference between them, a few centimetres at most, and Godai only really noticed it when they kissed. Or maybe it was more that he was used to kissing women. Shorter women. Which he liked. But this... this was different. Everything was slightly awkward and uncertain. How did you make lips fit together just right? How close was close enough and what was too close? He shifted a little, pressed against the wall as he was, and his leg brushed against Ichijou's crotch. Their kiss swallowed both their moans, but it did drive home the point.

They wanted this. Or well, Godai had known he wanted this, but now he had proof that the detective did as well. They were both breathless when they broke the kiss this time.

"Shhh," Godai interjected before Ichijou could say anything. He put a finger over his lips, then reached up to undo the detective's tie. It was a strangely intimate little moment, Godai's hands weren't exactly shaking, but he was far too aware of the fact that Ichijou's hands were heavy on his shoulders, faces so close together. Both of them had run out of words by now.

Collarbones. That shouldn't be so hot, should it? But once the tie was undone and he continued to unbutton the shirt he realized how wrong he had been. Collarbones were indeed hot, and needed to be added to the list of things about Ichijou that made his heart skip a beat or two. Like his hair and the way it moved and how he pulled his chin back when he was embarrassed, as if he had been a turtle wishing he had a shell.

No. Don't think about turtles now, or about explosions...

"Godai?" Ichijou tilted his head up, looking at him with concern.

"I'm fine..." Godai lied, because he was not but he would be soon. "I guess I'm just nervous."

"I thought you usually plunged in without thinking first."

"Well, maybe I was reminded that sometimes when I do that, things gets broken."

"Godai Yuusuke," Ichijou's smile was filled with fondness and love. "You need to stop worrying about breaking me."

"That is a bit ridiculous, isn't it?" The laugh came naturally, because Ichijou was right. He was thinking too much, worrying about the future when he couldn't do anything but move towards it with whatever courage he could muster.

"This whole thing is a bit ridiculous if you ask me." Ichijou's annoyance seemed to be directed mostly at himself. "There is no reason for this to be so complicated."

"You are the one with all the buttons," Godai pointed out, continuing his slow work on them.

He had never really thought of dress shirts as sexy, but the fabric was thin enough that he could feel the heat of Ichijou's skin underneath. It wasn't really a barrier, not like a suit, not like his plaid overshirts. It just hid from sight, not touch, the thin cotton suited to the hot summer. He peeled it open as he went, trying to think of whether he had been this nervous and on edge before.

Maybe his first time on an airplane. The first time he summoned Kuuga. Preparing for his first bungee jump.

But this was different. Adrenaline was involved, sure, but even more, there was desire. It felt unreal. These were things he shouldn't think were hot. A flat chest. Faded bruises still lining the ribs. That little dip where Ichijou's collarbones connected to his breastbone. He kissed it once, and then twice when the detective tilted his head back and the sudden intake of breath nearly turned into a moan which made them both pull back a little.

Music. Should they have music? Godai considered it briefly, because it felt like any sound was loud enough to startle them, but that also made it feel so... planned. Sordid almost. Besides, he had no idea what kind of music Ichijou liked, and he didn't want to just turn on the radio because that might mean talking about the explosion earlier, and what he had done, and...

"Godai?" Ichijou's voice was filled with concern once more, though his cheeks were flushed.

"I'm sorry," Godai said again for what seemed to be the millionth time. "I'm messing this up, aren't I?"

He gently freed himself from Ichijou's hands, walking over to the bed and flopping down on his back. The roof was a safe place to look; it held nothing but white blankness, like snow.

"You are not." Ichijou sat down on the bed next to him, his weight shifting the mattress, making Godai feel like he was slipping towards the man. Caught in his personal gravity field.

"I had plans," Godai confessed, the smile still coming easily to his face. "Big plans. And they didn't involve me freezing up at inopportune moments."

"I don't need plans." Ichijou looked embarrassed, but he didn't look away. And neither did he move to button the shirt again, instead he leaned in a little, reaching out to put a hand on Godai's chest. "Can I?"

"You never need to ask before you touch me," Godai said with what he hoped wasn't butterflies all over his voice.

"Right now I think that maybe I do." Ichijou waited a moment before running his hand over the lean chest, tracing the mark of Kuuga embroidered on the t-shirt before moving down towards the stomach.

"It's fine," Godai ensured as the hand paused, sensing the stiffness in his muscles. "It's just the amadam."

"Does it hurt?" Worry written all over his face, Ichijou gently eased the t-shirt up, baring unmarked skin.

"No, but it feels..." Godai pondered a moment, reaching down to press Ichijou's hand harder against his stomach. "It feels good when you press it, but I guess I'm kind of ticklish now."

"Ticklish..." The word was a breathed sigh of frustration. "Godai Yuusuke, did you just make me worry about you because you are ticklish?"

"I really am though!" Godai couldn't help but laugh because this was so absurd. "You don't have to worry about me, you know. I promise, I will tell you if things feel wrong."

"Really?" Ichijou sounded doubtful, and with good reason.

"Really."

Maybe it was a gift, in a way, how Ichijou kept touching him. Like he was something precious. Something breakable. Godai wanted to assure the detective that was pretty far from the truth, but right now he didn't want to do anything else that could break this moment.

His t-shirt was first peeled up, then pulled off with a nervously impatient little shrug that left time for another kiss before he sank back into the covers. He could allow Ichijou to take his time, maybe because they both needed it. And maybe it was desire that made the detective run his hands over his now naked chest, skirting nipples to dwell on ribs, or maybe it was because he was carefully checking for wounds or bruises.

Maybe it was both.

Godai wouldn't complain, because Ichijou touching him like this was something he could get used to. And maybe it actually helped that he was a little vulnerable right now, that he wasn't exactly sure what he had planned anymore, because it was an odd feeling but... he got the impression that maybe Ichijou liked taking care of him. Was more at ease with being the one concerned, with making sure that he was indeed okay. Weird. It felt... good, he supposed. But weird. He was the one who was supposed to do that after all, the one who was supposed to protect people.

Not the one who was currently slowly being reduced to a puddle under a pair of careful, examining hands.

"You have really nice hands," he finally said, the smile now slow and honest.

"I wasn't sure. I'm not used to touching people like this," Ichijou admitted, his hand resting on top of the amadam, palm pressing down lightly, fingers just brushing the lining of the pants.

"I feel like I'm evidence," Godai teased, gently reaching down to guide Ichijou's hand lower, past the belt that had been a barrier neither of them crossed before.

The detective's hand paused for a moment, then pressed down, palming Godai through his jeans.

"Oh..." Godai swallowed down a moan, hips bucking up against the pressure. "That feels good."

Ichijou simply smiled, and maybe there was a hint of relief about it.

"I can take them off if you like." Godai realised as soon as the words were out of his mouth that maybe that wasn't the smartest thing to say, but though Ichijou blushed, he didn't remove his hand.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you're this straightforward," he finally said with an exasperated sigh.

"Well," Godai admitted, "I feel like I've waited months for this already, and it was bound to happen eventually anyway. You don't mind, do you?"

"If I minded you being forward, we wouldn't be here today." Ichijou unbuttoned the jeans almost reverently.

"Good. I don't think I'm likely to change." There was a moan that almost slipped out as the zipper slid down, but he swallowed it not to spook the detective. "At least I hope so." He needed this, needed to cling to the smiles he brought out in people, to the way that even Ichijou's eyes lit up when he said something even half funny. He really needed this. Being human.

"Godai Yuusuke." The name was spoken sternly, and Ichijou abandoned the jeans for a moment to lean up for a deep kiss. "Don't ever change."

"Understood." Godai nodded and deepened the kiss, fingers tangling in Ichijou's hair. So soft. Another thing he had been a little surprised about. Men weren't about to have soft hair. Not like that. His own was a bit coarse and tended to do whatever it wanted, not that he put much effort into having an actual haircut. Or owning a suit. Ichijou looked great in a suit.

Godai bet he would look even greater without it.

Actually getting out of the jeans was harder than he had thought, especially when you were already hard. It would have helped more if they would have broken the kiss, but they made do anyway. And maybe the kiss made it easier because it made them less aware of the fact that his underwear went with his jeans and he was now naked.

Being naked wasn't something Godai minded. He'd been naked before. He'd been naked with girls, naked with boys, skinny dipped and got caught in a few rainstorms that led to him vainly trying to dry his clothes over open fires, but it was different being naked with Ichijou. For one thing, he was hard. Too hard. And too aware that Ichijou was on top of him, mostly clothed body draped over Godai's naked one, kissing him deeply.

This... the world went a little blurry around the edges. Fractured into sensations and reactions. Ichijou's lips, soft, insistent. He didn't feel naked anymore, not with Ichijou pressed against him, one clothed leg against his very naked crotch, and Godai realized he might be keening into the other man's mouth but nobody would hear.

Stripping Ichijou of his shirt was something he managed without tearing the fabric, or breaking the kiss, which was worth an award or two. Or maybe the detective's skin was reward enough, because now he could run his hands over the sharp shoulder blades, tracing the curve of the spine lower, low enough to start struggling with the belt. This had become less of an elegant seduction now (if it ever had been) and more of a need for closeness. For contact.

Angles. Angles and soft skin. Too many elbows, and knees, and at least this time he didn't actually squish a boob, and who knew they were so sensitive? At least this time he knew how the other body worked, even if the fact that it belonged to Ichijou made him want to crawl under the covers and hide because that man was more gorgeous than he deserved. He shouldn't say that, you didn't tell men they were pretty, or gorgeous. Just handsome, but was that really enough? He knew he must have had a dreamy look on his face when Ichijou rolled to the side to get his pants off, because the look the detective shot him was one filled with...

... what? Fondness? Love? Exasperated desire? All of the above maybe.

"Ichijou..." Godai felt like he should say something, but all his words had got stuck in his throat and all that came out was the name.

The detective paused, waiting for the rest of the sentence, then just shook his head. "I love the way you say my name." A simple sentence, sure, but it was enough to make Godai feel like his cheeks were burning, dropping back on the bed to cover his face with both hands.

"Don't make fun of me," he complained, sneaking a peek when he felt the tell-tale shifting of the bed as Ichijou undressed.

"I'm not." The bed shifted once again, and Godai found himself pulled close. "You say it like it means something."

"It does." Godai removed his hands, looking up with as serious a smile as he could muster. "It's your name." He didn't know any better way to explain it.

Maybe he should have learned poetry. Maybe then he would have had a chance to find a way to explain things. Maybe then he could find the words to tell Ichijou just... how he made him feel. But right now there was no need for words anymore. Not really.

Because things really were easier once you got your clothes off. No way to hide what you felt, what you liked. It was easier to get bolder then. The feeling of a hand that touched his cock that wasn't his own nearly made him gasp, leaning against Ichijou as the other man let his hands explore him. Thoroughly. It wasn't that the detective was shy, he supposed, because once they had got to this point there was nothing shy in the way he wrapped his calloused hands around Godai's shaft and slowly begun jerking him off. Ichijou wasn't shy. He was private. And Godai supposed that he was past the walls now, let inside finally, both emotionally and physically. And how he needed this. Needed to be held by Ichijou, one arm wrapped tightly around him as he lay curled against the warm chest, the other still working him.

Maybe he should have tried to last longer, but why?

"Shhh..." Ichijou's voice was soft in his ear, and Godai tried to get his breath back.

"That..." His heart hurt just a little, the amadam a throbbing ball of warmth in his gut. Sticky. He'd gotten himself and the bed sticky, which was probably not polite since it was a hotel and someone had to wash that. Unless he snuck it with him and got it washed himself. He could do that.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." The kiss to his ear was soft, and made Godai smile so wide it hurt.

"Enjoyed?" He rolled over so he could smile at Ichijou, his brightest and best one because yes, sex was good, but knowing who had done this to him was even better. And made him want to return the favour.

It wasn't hard to roll over Ichijou properly on his back, not with the way they were both feeling now. Not with how hard the detective still was, and Godai wrapped his fingers around the shaft thoughtfully. Maybe he should ask permission first, but that might be a little bit embarrassing as well, so maybe he should just slide down a little and lick the head and see what kind of a reaction he got.

A good one. At least that's what Godai thought, Ichijou just tensing up and pressing his hips towards him, not looking away. Good. Godai didn't look away either, he kept eye contact while he guided as much as he could into his mouth, and then went about trying to figure out what got the best reactions. Tongue? Teeth? Sucking? Lips and hands? He had a surprisingly long list of things he wanted to try, and there was an amazing number of noises he could tease from the normally quiet detective, but it wasn't like he had forever to practice. They had both been wanting this too much.

And now he definitely needed to sneak out and wash the sheets.

"Godai..." There was not enough of a breath left for his first name, so Ichijou just gave up and pulled him closer.

"And that was not even one of my 2000 skills," Godai said thoughtfully, resting his head on that sweaty chest so he could listen to the heart of the man he had fallen so deeply for.

"I was afraid to ask," came the pained reply.

"It will get a number though," Godai couldn't help but run with it, Ichijou seemed so utterly embarrassed by the fact. "Maybe 2007? I just need to practice more."

"Please." The word was almost a groan.

"What? It is a skill. It's not like anybody will know."

"I will. Whenever you give out one of your cards."

"I will make sure to give you a special one then... once I feel like I've mastered it enough."

In retrospect, Godai realized, it might not have been the smartest idea to tell Ichijou exactly how ticklish amadam had made him...

It was still worth it.

 


	9. Truths  (ep 33)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set during episode 33.

There were some lists Godai didn't want to keep, but he couldn't help himself. It had been one week since the ill-fated fight where he had finally channelled the true power of his red form, and the newspapers kept printing facts.

The radius of destruction had been 3000 m wide.  
107 000 windows had been shattered, which was more than during the last earthquake.  
The damage had been estimated between one million and almost one billion depending on the source.  
112 people had needed hospitalization for their injuries.

And then there was the statistic that haunted him the most: The exact number of casualties was unknown.

Why wouldn't they release the numbers? Were there really none as Ichijou had assured him repeatedly? Were the police keeping them a secret so the newspapers wouldn't hate him more? Or was it just speculation?

Godai had never gone into this expecting to become a hero, but neither had he been prepared for the role as villain. If Ichijou hadn't been...

But Ichijou had been there. He had kept being this steady, constant, supportive presence, making it easy to keep the smile, to pretend that everything was fine.

Fine. The smile had not even had time to settle in properly before he showed up again. Nr 41. The grasshopper. On his bike.

This one was different. Godai had to admit that. Not just because he was so skilled, but because they were so alike. The transformation poses. The bikes. The way that they both could transform their bikes into tools which were like extensions of their own bodies. Kinship.

Murder.

He should not have been surprised when the killings started. People on bikes People like him. A slap in the face. A challenge. But one which he wasn't fit to face right now. He could not keep up. His bike was too slow. Too worn out. Like him. He felt like a rag that had been wrung out to dry but instead had been left in a corner, damp and mouldy.

Ichijou had a plan, there was a new bike, but... it wasn't for him. Not this time. His superiors had said no. No 4 was now a liability. Something they needed to distance themselves from,

Godai wouldn't have blamed Ichijou if he had done the same, but instead...

Instead...

He hadn't expected Ichijou to tell people who Kuuga really was. Not this soon. Not now when everything was at its darkest.

He hadn't expected the result either. Everybody standing up for him. Sugita. Sasayama. Sakurai. He had known their names before. Their faces. Their voices. But they hadn't known him. Who he was. What he did.

And now they did. And they were on his side. That made him feel like not even a malfunctioning bike could stop him.

Except that it still did. Fighting the grasshopper on the beach. On their bikes. Losing his. Having it stolen. And then having it fall apart under his enemy. A small favour hiding a greater loss.

How was he supposed to fight now? Riding in the car with Sugita since Ichijou was busy elsewhere he kept coming up with ideas, because how could he give up now when everybody believed in him? Fought for his right to fight for them? Gouram was their best bet, it wasn't as fast, but maybe it was fast enough that he could get a shot or two in thanks to the height difference. It had to work. It was his only plan. Sugita had lent him his gun, but...

It hadn't worked. The grasshopper had been too fast. There had been tunnels. He hadn't been a good enough shot. Maybe he should have practiced more, but he couldn't very well ask Ichijou to let him use his gun like that, it was probably even more illegal than what they were already doing, and how was he supposed to bring down this one? The grasshopper Grongi had said that he was the last victim, so he would come back, but the last of how many?

How many would die because his bike broke? Because he had been so sloppy using his powers that the police didn't trust him anymore?

Godai sunk a little lower in the seat of the car, wondering what Sugita must be thinking of him. The older cop kept shooting him odd glances, and in the end he was the one that broke the silence.

"So it managed to outrun green Kuuga's attacks." Sugita drove faster than Ichijou. Rougher. Like his voice. "That asshole's pretty durable."

Godai nodded, sighing a little as he explained "Yes he is, and now, since I used the green Kuuga's power I can't transform again for a few hours." Would it be two this time? Or less? He was getting stronger, and he didn't feel anywhere near as drained as he had used to. Maybe he could hurry this. But what would be the use if he couldn't catch up?

"Just like Hazuki said."

"Eh?" Godai looked over at Sugita, for a moment having no idea what the policeman was talking about.

"My daughter. She said that because No 4 protected her dad from No 5, he must be a good guy." The laugh was a little sheepish, and Godai joined in as he scratched his neck.

"She really said that?"

"Seriously. Thank you." The words were gruff but oddly formal, as if Sugita had been rehearsing them while waiting in the car.

"It's okay, no need for thanks," Godai said with another sheepish smile, because he wasn't in a mood to get thanked, and he wasn't prepared for people not to detest him.

"We tried to shoot you that time... sorry about that too while I'm at it." The policeman was gathering speed in his excuses, looking straight ahead as he drove.

"It's okay," Godai quickly reassured. "No harm done." It had scared the hell out of him, and the bullets had smarted, but there wasn't any real damage done. That was scary in and of itself. He had been shot. Repeatedly. And he had been fine.

Just like the Grongi. And now they were speaking Japanese and looking like regular people and driving bikes and... apart from murdering people and turning into monsters, how would you even tell them apart from humans? And Godai himself turned into a monster... of sorts. But he didn't kill. Never. Not people. And Grongi weren't people. Right?

"I don't get anything anymore," Sugita grunted, saving Godai from his increasingly dark thoughts. "What made you help us?"

"The same reason why you guys are fighting?" His smile was quick and easy, and teased a similar one from the policeman.

"We're lucky you're reliable then. I don't think most people would do what you are doing."

"Or what you are doing," Godai quickly added. "I transform, I have at least a bit of protection. You guys don't."

"Eh," Sugita shrugged. "Bullets kill as surely as any way those bastards do. We're ready for it. It's getting civilians involved that's the part I can't forgive."

"I know what you mean." Godai kept looking through the side window in case there would be any sightings. Not that he could do much now, but he would try.

"You're a civilian too, you know."

"Ah, not since I put on the Arcle I think..." he lowered his gaze for a moment, shaking his head.

"This is weird. Did you know we used to wonder if you had a human form too?"

"Really?" The laugh was strained this time, because if even the police had wondered if he was just a monster they were lucky to have on their side, maybe they had a point?

"Ichijou always made that little funny face of his when we talked about that, I never really got why until now."

"Mr Ichijou..." It only felt right to be respectful towards the man when talking with his colleagues, but the smile on Godai's face was far more private than professional.

"Yeah, I suppose I don't really get that thing either, but I can see why he'd pick you."

"Pick me?"

"You know..." Sugita looked entirely awkward now, the car picking up speed as if that could dispel his unease. "He told us you two were..." the sound of the policeman soundly clearing his throat couldn't quite mask the fact that the last word was probably “…together”.

"Ichijou... told you?"

"Just us that works the most with him. Don't think I've ever seen Sasayama that red, but I guess she'd be happy to know in the long run. That it wasn't her, you know."

"Are you telling me that Ichijou really... outed us?" Godai knew his chin had dropped to the floor somewhere, but he had no idea how to pick it up again.

"Sure did. After he told us that you were No 4. I swear the man was blushing. He looked like he was standing in front of a firing squad." Sugita's awkwardness was evaporating with the telling. "Sakurai had to ask him if he really meant what he just said."

"I can't believe he really did that..." And Godai couldn't believe he was smiling either. Not after the last few days. Not after everything.

"You and me both, he kept saying he didn't have a girlfriend, but you know..."

"He works too much for one," Godai finished with a sheepish smile.

“So apparently do you.” Sugita chuckled a little. “Just don't overdo it, okay?”

“I promise,” Godai said with a hand on his heart.

The air in the car felt lighter after that... maybe everything would work out after all.


	10. A phonecall (during ep 36)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set early during ep 36, when Ichijou and Sakurako is off investigating the massacre in Nagano.

Tokyo never really slept, but as the clock swung past midnight, at least it dozed a little. The traffic thinned out to a trickle of lights and sometimes, when Godai couldn’t sleep, he would run his bike through the empty streets. It used to be a therapeutic thing, a way for him to deal with living in such a densely populated city. It made the urge to go travelling fade for the moment, giving him some much needed breathing room.

But even that the Grongi had stolen from him. He couldn’t relax the same way anymore; his peaceful concrete forest had turned into a jungle filled with predators. These days he often found himself slowing down, scanning the shadows for threats. There weren’t many people out after dark these days, even in the entertainment districts. The deserted streets made Godai feel something akin to loneliness.

He wasn’t used to that feeling. Even when he was travelling alone he had never felt lonely. After all, he had friends, even though they were on different continents. Besides, he made new friends easily enough, and he had never minded being alone. Alone did not mean lonely. But now… now he felt the unfamiliar pangs of loneliness coil in his gut. Which was just stupid, because he was never lonely. Just like he was never angry.

No. That was a lie, even if he had made it into a truth of sorts.

A more accurate statement would be that Godai never really  _showed_ anger. Because behind the smiling face he felt the same rage and frustration other people did. He was only human after all; sometimes he did want to hit people. Once upon a time he had even wanted to kill someone. Of course he had just been a kid then, but…

Sometimes he still felt like one. Just with more years to his name. How old had he been then? Eight? Nine? His dad had still been alive, but not home So rarely home. Someone had teased him about the fact that his mother always came alone to the various class functions. Someone had said that his parents were probably divorced. Or maybe he was a bastard without a dad. He had been teased about that for weeks, right up until the point when he punched someone hard enough to really hurt them. It had felt so good. So good.

But then there had been meetings with his teacher. With his parents. With the parents of the kid he had beaten up. That hadn’t felt so good. So he didn’t punch people anymore, even when he really wanted to. And then his dad died, and for a while he was so  _angry_  that he contemplated that maybe it would be worth it to lash out again. But his mother was crying alone when she thought nobody heard her. And his sister was weeing openly far too often, and he didn’t want to make them sadder. He wanted to make them smile again. More than he wanted to punch somebody.

So he had learned to control his anger. To hide it. Deep down. Learned to deal with it without letting it out. He made lists of pros and cons of hurting someone. And even when they really deserved it, the cons were always more numerous and so he held his punches and forced a smile instead. And eventually it spread to his sister. Then his mother.

Had the amadam felt that latent rage within him? Godai sometimes wondered if there was a reason besides chance that he had been chosen. The vision that had made him pick up the belt was not something he had seen before or since. Would the belt have picked anyone close enough? Or was he somehow special?

He didn’t feel special. But he felt as if he had found the one thing that made the list of pros longer than the cons when it came to punching someone: To protect someone else. Then it was okay. This he had decided. But even then it was so hard to bring himself to actually throw the punch. At first he couldn’t even summon the armour until he was already in the fight, every punch helping him to get the necessary rage to connect with the amadam. It didn’t come natural to him. Not then. Changing into Kuuga had been a violation of the man he had made himself into.

And then he met Mika at her dad’s funeral. He saw her standing outside the church, weeping, and he remembered. The grief. The loss. The frustration. The building anger…

After that, the change had come easy. He could call on the armour with an act of will and gestures. A quiet moment to find the centre of his rage: No more.

No more grieving children. He worked to protect them now. Their happiness. Their smiles. This was a good anger, a clean one. Directed at the monsters that kept on killing. The pros on his list were vastly outnumbering the cons now. Even after the explosion that tore apart the city. Even though he was horrified he knew that he needed to do this. Needed to stay angry. Stop the Grongi. It would end eventually. It had to. He didn’t like the thrill of what he did. Of how good it felt to unleash his power. He didn’t like it. He didn’t want it. Until no 42 appeared.

The porcupine Grongi had been killing children. No, not just killing. Tormenting them. Making them cringe in fear, one of them terrified enough to kill himself rather than wait for death. Godai had got angry then. No. He had gotten furious. It wasn’t enough to just stop this one (and suddenly the expression ‘stop’ turned into destroying, killing, murdering). He did not remember much of the fight, (that was a lie, he did, he just wanted to forget). He had stopped (killed, murdered) the Grongi and that was enough (never).

He wanted to forget about the flames (they felt so good). He wanted to forget what he saw in them (it didn’t matter). Forget it (it had smiled, the face under the helmet, his face, someone else’s face).

It took him a couple of minutes to realize that he had stopped the bike and was leaning over the handlebars, sweating inside his helmet. He felt nauseous. Feverish. Lonely. But Ichijou was in Nagano with Sakurako to research the weird massacre that had happened there. Besides. He wasn’t lonely. Just…

… he wasn’t that far from the train station. It was late, but not that late. Right? The bike was running again, his body already having decided what his brain was balking at.

He was going to call up Ichijou.

The public phones were as empty as the station, and Godai found himself fumbling a little as he dialed the number. This was stupid. He wasn’t lonely. And there was no reason to be nervous. People called each other all the time. Right? Especially if they were together. Which he supposed they were now.

"Hello?" Ichijou’s voice, slightly sleepy and distant through the cords.

"Hello, Mr Ichijou…" The honorific slipped out, because somehow it felt more official on the phone. As if the kisses had never happened, let alone the nakedness.

"Godai?" Was there a hint of a yawn hidden in the static? "It’s late, is everything alright?"

"I’m fine," Godai lied. "Did I wake you?"

"No. I only just got back home." Perhaps that was another lie, the sentence punctuated by another yawn.

"I hoped so. You said you tended to work late." Godai smiled a little, watching the empty streets. He didn’t feel lonely anymore.

"How did you get my home number?" The words soft and sleepy, curious, not angry.

"You don’t remember? When we met back in Nagano you gave me your card." Of course Ichijou couldn’t see him gesture with it, but he did it anyway.

"That’s only my work number." It was adorable really, Ichijou tended to be so on top of everything, but now his brain was sluggish and sleepy.

"Yes, so you wrote your home number on the back," Godai reminded.

"I did, didn’t I?" Another faint yawn. "I never do that…"

"You said it was important that I contact you in case something started going amiss with the Arcle. You told me to call you on that number if they didn’t pick up at the station." Godai couldn’t stop the silly smile. Ichijou didn’t give out his private number to people. But he had to him. It seemed that he wasn’t the only one who had felt something right there at the start.

"You’re right." Ichijou seemed to have shaken himself awake now. "It feels like years ago. And you never did call…"

"I am now."

"Godai… are you really alright?" There was real concern in Ichijou’s voice now.

"I suppose I could be better," Godai admitted.

"I gathered." The pause was a sigh, not a yawn this time. "What’s bothering you? No 42?"

"I keep having these… dreams." It sounded stupid to talk about them. But maybe them being stupid was just the way to make them stop happening.

"Nightmares?"

"Sort of. It’s nothing bad really." Ichijou didn’t need details, especially not now when he was feeling better already. "It’s just that they wake me up and I decided to go take a ride and clear my head, and there was this payphone and I thought ‘let’s call Mr Ichijou and see what’s up in Nagano’."

"Are you on a payphone?" Ichijou sounded quietly amused.

"You know I don’t have a phone, and if i called from the cafe I might wake Nana up."

"Godai…" There was a smile in Ichijou’s voice that Godai didn’t think he was imagining.

"She sleeps there too now that she’s in Tokyo, it’s not…" he gestured to the empty street.

"Godai," Ichijou interrupted before he could go on a rant. "Why don’t you have a cell phone?"

"I never had anyone I wanted to call before," he admitted quite honestly.

"Before?"

"I do now." Godai kept playing with the cord, twisting it around his finger. He was glad Ichijou couldn’t see him look this embarrassed.

"But your sister…?"

"I visit her. Or I write letters. I’m not so good with phones." Or with obligations. It was easier to put his words in writing than on the phone. People didn’t ask questions of a letter, it was an even better way to redirect people’s attentions than his thumb up.

"It makes you a hard man to get hold of." The sound of annoyance translated clearly across the wires.

"I know. And I’m sorry." Ichijou couldn’t see the bow, but he did a small one anyway. "I know you’ve been calling around for me everywhere at times."

"It’s fine." That fond, exasperated sigh.

"I’m glad."

There was a moment’s pause, before Ichijou continued, completely deadpan: “But you should still get a phone.”

"You’re probably right." Godai leaned a little against the payphone wall, looking at the city lights. "Are things going smoothly up there?"

"I don’t know if smoothly is the word I’d use. There was indeed a massacre at the site where the coffin was found. The blood indicates more than one casualty. Quite probably many more."

"No bodies then?"

"No. Perhaps they were removed and stashed somewhere, it’s just…" the words drifted off in thought.

"It sounds like you don’t really think it’s another one of the murder games those monsters play." Ichijou was not a man to reveal his thoughts, but Godai liked to think he had picked up some of the cues for worry at this point.

"The Grongi have not bothered to hide their acts so far. It seems that the opportunity for us to fight back is something they relish."

"War then, not murder." The words escaped before Godai had time to think about them.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just thinking out loud." War. A contest. Proving who was strong. Who was weak. It made such sense in a horrible sort of way.

"Besides, there are no people reported missing locally." The yawn was back in Ichijou’s voice.

"Could it be…"

"Yes. I think it is Grongi blood. Tsubaki said it was indistinguishable from human after all." One and the same. Neither of them liked talking about that. Humans were humans and Grongi were monsters… and Godai was both.

"Are they fighting each other now?"

"Perhaps. That would explain why it’s centred on the cave. That is ground zero for their awakening after all."

"I see…" Godai tried to picture the mountain cave again, the burial chamber. But he soon stopped. Too weird.

"That amount of bloody would also show that their bodies do not always explode on death."

"I think it depends on how they die…"

"How do you mean?"

"They do get injured and bleed, just like us.” He had beaten the porcupine so badly the plates of its face had cracked and blood oozed forward. “They just heal faster." Like he did. "I target their belts to stop that. That’s why they explode, I think. It’s the broken belts that do it."

"That would explain why the ones killed by us are more intact." The police had eliminated some of the Grongi on their own, with horrific casualties. Still, it gave everyone hope, because they weren’t helpless.

"Yes. But to stop the regeneration… that would require massive injuries." Godai frowned and rubbed his chest. He had been put in the hospital twice and nearly died. Once from poison, the other time from blunt trauma. It took a lot to bring him to that point.

"We have been aiming for their heads. If it gets damaged enough they go down. Then we can make sure they don’t have time to recover." Ichijou sounded grim, and Godai shivered a bit in the night air. He didn’t feel like he had a fever anymore.

"I guess being beheaded or ripped apart would work," he mumbled, trying to imagine what could have done it. A shark? Another tiger? Someone armed with a blade? A scythe? Or just bare hands and excessive force….

"It would fit with the amount of blood found at the scene." Ichijou interrupted his thoughts.

"Yes… but… that’s a good thing, right?" Because infighting would mean less Grongi killing humans.

"I suppose…" The hesitation lingered…

"Ichijou…” Godai swallowed hard and lowered his voice. "Is there anything else I should know?"

"There was writing on one of the walls. In blood. Miss Sawatari is translating it. I’ll let you know when I know more." The words were truthful, not evasive. Even if what he saw had disturbed Ichijou somehow, he didn’t know enough to describe why yet. Godai would have to settle for that.

"I miss you," he said instead, letting the warmth inside him seep into his voice.

"Ah… well… I miss you too." Words couldn’t blush, but Godai could imagine it anyway.

"Tell Miss Sakurako I said hi," he added, giving Ichijou a respite from the unfamiliar feelings.

"Godai…." A pause, stretching.

"Yes?" Godai knew he probably sounded too cheerful.

"Please be careful." It had the taste of words that were said instead of other words, but the sentiment was one he could believe in and return in kind.

"You too, Mr Ichijou. You too."

Godai stayed for a while, with the phone still held tightly in his hand, even after he had hung up.


	11. The forest staring back (post ep 39)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set post ep 39.

It was a stupid thing to be scared of a forest.

Godai Yuusuke knew this. He’d been in so many of them after all. Foggy rainforests filled with unknown sounds and predators. Freezing pine forests where the snow had drifted, hiding hollows that made walking treacherous. He’d been in friendly forests and nasty ones, been bitten by mosquitoes and chased by dogs, and once, possibly, stalked by a jaguar.

But he’d never felt this terrified.

It was stupid. The fight was over. No 3 was clearly dead. Nothing else moved here. Whatever had made those sounds… those screams, had to be gone. He couldn’t keep expecting an attack, his nerves were frayed enough as it was. He’d spent days chasing after No 43, and then when they finally had managed to corner and destroy her, he immediately went to chase No 3 down. There was no time to waste, because people would die. The Bat Grongi seemed to follow no rules but his own, which made him all the more dangerous.

Ichijou should have been in the hospital after B-1’s attack but he had come anyway.

Tsubaki had promised to give him sleeping pills or something. To keep him there. Let him heal. It was a testament to the Detective’s constitution that there hadn’t been any broken bones, but between cracked ribs and torn muscles, Ichijou should be spending about three weeks in bed. Resting.

Of course Ichijou hadn’t listened to either his body or his doctor, which was lucky, because he had ended up saving Godai from No 3, and maybe the bat really had absorbed the power of Daguba whatever that was, because he had been more powerful than anything he had fought so far.

Powerful enough to almost win. If Ichijou hadn’t been there… no.

If whatever was out there in the forest hadn’t been there, because it hadn’t been Godai’s hand that killed the Bat Grongi. It had been something else. Someone else.

Someone who was still out there.

"He’s dead alright." Ichijou was hunched down next to the Grongi corpse that had nearly fallen on them when it plummeted out of the tree and scared half a dozen years from Godai’s life.

"Are you sure?" Godai kept looking around, the darkness in the forest calling for him to transform. But it didn’t feel safe, he had a vague idea that if he did, he might draw out whatever it was that did this, and neither of them were in any shape for a fight. "Remember, I looked dead as well, and I came back."

  
"Don’t remind me." Ichijou’s voice was tense, but he showed no other outward sign of being worried. "Besides, you were never dead. You just looked it."

"Still… never hurts being careful." Godai grimaced a little and forced himself to take a closer look.

It felt… weird to see the Bat Grongi lying there, as dead as any human. He looked human. Dressed human. Human-looking blood seeped from the gouges that covered his face and body. The guts were torn out, and the stench… Godai couldn’t say if that was human, because he’d never smelled anything like it. The body had literally been torn in half; it had probably fallen from the tree when the damaged spine gave out. How could Ichijou sit that close and not be affected? Godai pressed his fist to his mouth, biting his knuckle a little. The movement made Ichijou glance up, the worried wrinkles appearing on his forehead once more.

"Are you… alright?" The words were hesitant, chosen with care,’

"No… well, yes. I’m not used to bodies… you think I should be by now." Godai laughed a little nervously. "But the explosions are a lot cleaner, and I never really have time to think when there is a fight going on."

"At least we’ve got a clear answer to why there is so much blood left after whoever this is kills them." Ichijou panned over the corpse with his pen-light, the blood an eerie black in the darkness.

"That is so gross. Is…" Godai pointed to the torn midsection where the tangle of… no, better not look too closely.

"Yes, the amadam is gone." Ichijou nodded, and then seemed to realize what he had said. "I mean their version of it…"

"I think we have to assume it works in the same way," Godai said quietly.

"You are not the same as them, you know that."

"Ichijou… it’s okay. Really. Mrs Enokida and Doctor Tsubaki are saying the same thing. And you told me Miss Sakurako believed that the Kuuga symbol wasn’t originally a Linto one. That it might have been Grongi script."

"That doesn’t mean…"

"I know. Kuuga fought against them in the past. I fight against them now. That’s what’s important, right?" Godai forced a smile, and a thumb’s up, which got a hesitant smile back from Ichijou.

"Right," the detective agreed, though he sounded like he didn’t really believe that to be the case.

Godai knew those doubts better than anyone, but he had to keep denying the truth. Had to keep thinking that he was somehow special, different. Because the more they learned, the more he had a sneaking suspicion that the Grongi weren’t monsters from someone’s nightmares but had once been people just like they were. Not even a different race, but a different tribe. Things were just too similar. Maybe they didn’t have human forms; maybe they were humans that turned into monsters, just like he did. Their shapes reminded him of animals… maybe that had something to do with their clans? Or was it just a shape that resonated strongly with them? He didn’t look like the blurry vision he had seen of the ancient Kuuga. He looked like…

… this was something he had not told Ichijou. The story of the thumb’s up that his teacher had told him as a kid, wrong though it had been. How much it had shaped him. The romantic image of the Roman Empire, of what it symbolized, and he had…

Looking at himself transformed, he could see it. The cuirass covering his chest was purely roman. The greaves and the rest of the armour echoing the same source. The decorated helmet a familiar echo of the one he wore while riding his bike, the horns from the Kuuga symbol he had seen. This was not the garb of an ancient warrior. This was all him. And maybe it had been that way for them as well. Ichijou had called No 3 ‘him’. He had probably not even thought about doing so.

There was not much difference once you were dead after all. Without the amadam it was just a dismembered corpse.

Godai felt nauseous. He wasn’t used to bodies in this condition. Nor to the smell. How did Ichijou do this? He was literally straight out of the hospital, and yet he kept in control, dealing with the body, even though he’d got even more beaten up in the earlier fighting. Godai could see it in the way he moved. Slowly. Awkwardly. It didn’t show in his voice when he directed the other officers to the scene over the radio, but when he rose a little too fast he nearly stumbled, and Godai had to step in and steady him.

"Careful, Mr Ichijou." Every time he got nervous, he got polite. Even after everything they’d done together. But it didn’t matter he supposed, not when it teased forth a faint smile on the detective’s face.

"It’s dark." The words were curt but not unfriendly. "I just stumbled."

"I know," Godai lied, because they were too alike. As long as they convinced themselves that things were okay, then they would be. "Did you tell them where we were?"

"I did…" Ichijou wasn’t leaning on him, not much.

"Good. We should leave then. It’s late, and it’s a long drive back to Tokyo." He didn’t look forward to the dark roads, but neither did he want to stick around and wait for the other officers to show up. He wanted to be out of the forest as soon as possible.

"It’s a lot closer to Nagano than Tokyo from here." Ichijou’s smile was van as they made their way down towards the car. "Not to be dramatic, but I’m not sure I feel up to driving back right now." The detective sucked in a deep breath, though more from nerves than pain it seemed. "If you don’t mind staying," he continued nervously, "I would not mind the company either."

"Are you inviting me?" Godai couldn’t stop the smile from growing wide. “Into your home?”

"It seems that I am." Ichijou sounded annoyed, but he kept leaning heavily on Godai’s shoulder until they reached the car.

The drive back was made with sheer willpower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will follow right after and be smut, didn't want to mix it into this one.


	12. An unfamiliar bed (post ep 39)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post ep 39. NSFW.

  
It was an unfamiliar bed.

Not that Godai had many familiar ones. Every bed he slept in twice was home enough for the night, because he rarely stayed longer than a week in the same place when he was travelling. The exception was of course the narrow cot in the room above the Pore Pore cafe. It had been there for as long as he had remembered, the mattress filled with familiar bumps.

This bed didn't remember his body, but it remembered the one next to him. Ichijou. Ichijou's bed, which he had claimed in the night, the detective's body stretching into what felt like a familiar sprawl that left little room for Godai. He was probably not used to having company. Godai wouldn't be surprised if this was the first time he had ever had someone else in bed with him.

Even their first time in the hotel room had not ended with Godai staying the night, but this time... here in Nagano... it had just felt right. And they had been too tired to do more than just shower and collapse on the bed, Ichijou first, Godai a couple of minutes later once he had finished his own shower. By then the detective was already snoring faintly, the pain and the drugs taking their toll at last.

Godai had a harder time falling asleep. He had lain awake in the night, watching Ichijou's chest rise and fall, watching the profile, the way the lashes brushed his cheeks and the way the nose jutted out with fierce determination. He'd watched the man this closely once before, when he had passed out on a rooftop after Kuuga's first battle and Godai had pulled the detective close and rested his head on his shoulder and pretended for a moment that this was how things would be in the future.

He hadn't believed it then. But he had persevered, and now...

Now, when Ichijou rolled over, he found himself pulled in by those long arms, pressed close against the detective's chest as if he had been a pillow. Held tight. Breaths tickling his neck, the quite obviously male body spooning around him as dawn came and slowly brightened into morning. They both wore underwear, Ichijou had offered to find him something to sleep in, but neither had the energy to care last night.

Last night....

Godai closed his eyes a little harder, just breathing the clean bedding, the way Ichijou's soap smelled on his skin, the warmth of the other man behind him. Safe. Warm. The world could wait for a little, right? Ichijou should be in the hospital, but he was happy he was here in bed with him.

The phone beeped in the distance, another text message, and this time the sound was loud enough to make the man behind him stir, slowly pulling away as consciousness returned

"What... time is it?" Ichijou sounded half asleep, the words mumbled into the hand that tried to hide his yawn.

"Early," Godai assured, raising his head so he could look at the alarm clock

"We should..."

"You should," Godai interrupted gently, "... roll over on your stomach."

He shifted a bit so there was room for Ichijou to do so, pulling back the covers so he could get a closer look at the other man's bruised body.

"You should take a day off," he mumbled as he ran his fingers over the bruised back. The detective had been slammed into a tree, and it showed.

"I'm fine," Ichijou protested, though he gritted his teeth in a quiet wince as Godai pressed down on his aching muscles.

"At least don't go in until after lunch." Godai cracked his knuckles and then shifted so he was sitting astride the other man, the body laid out beneath him in a display of unhealthy colours and contusions.

"Don't tell me you know massage." But there was no protest about having to get up this time, just a fond exasperation that Godai was recognising as Ichijou's way of showing assent.

"Number 872," Godai said after a moment's thought. "I was in Thailand at the time. Met this really nice guy at the beach who ended up teaching me... oh... do you have any oil?"

"I don't think..." Ichijou mumbled into the bedding. "Unless cooking oil works. It's in the kitchen."

"Oh it works fine. Just won't be as fragrant, but we'll shower afterwards so... and I'll better bring a towel."

Getting out of bed was fine. Getting the supplies was even better. By the time he had returned to the bed and started running his fingers lightly over Ichijou's skin, he had almost managed to distract himself from what he had been talking about. He hadn't really thought about the circumstances when Ichijou had asked, but that guy on the beach... that had been... intense. He had stayed for two weeks that time, had never really gone beyond kissing and touching, but for a little while he had thought he really did have a crush. A proper one. So he ran. Because it scared him.

He wasn't scared now. Maybe a little bit. He was scared, because he didn't want to lose this. He was scared, because he knew he was changing, and wasn't sure into what. He was scared, because Ichijou was fragile, and he could feel the way his muscles tensed up beneath him when he gently applied more pressure. If you knew what you were doing, a good massage helped with recovery, and Godai hoped that he did...

He had remembered what he had been taught, but he hadn't remembered the guy. Hadn't thought about him in years. Had taken some proper classes later, because he wanted to learn more, but he hadn't gone back there, hadn't...

Maybe that's why he hadn't been together with someone in Japan before. Because he couldn't run away as easily. Maybe that was why he hadn't been afraid to flirt with Ichijou. Because he thought he didn't stand a chance.

"That feels good," Ichijou mumbled into the pillow beneath him.

"I'm glad." Godai felt his smile grow wider. "I don't want to be too rough, because you're pretty banged up, but a good massage helps gets some circulation going so you'll heal faster."

Not as fast as he did. But he wouldn't think about that right now. Just about the fact that he was actually in Ichijou's apartment, mostly undressed, and with the detective splayed out beneath him feeling almost... relaxed. Or, well, as close to it as he would probably ever get.

"There's nothing in the fridge to eat," Ichijou mumbled, languidly allowing Godai to manipulate his sore muscles. "I cleaned it out when I got reassigned to Tokyo"

"Was there much there before, then?" Godai teased.

"I cook... when I have time." The protest sounded almost amused.

"Do you have a lot of time to do that then?"

"Not... really," he admitted.

"Then you probably know a good place to get breakfast later."

"At least a decent one."

They fell silent again, after that, because Godai wanted to focus on what he was doing, and just avoid talking work for a little. They would have to go back to dealing with what they had seen last night soon enough, but... was it too much to ask to just have a bit of time to themselves?

Sometimes he felt selfish. Godai sighed a little, his hands working on autopilot. He was selfish, he knew that, he always had been. He had to work at not being so, had to make sure to actively focus on other people, what they needed from him. He knew he failed a lot of the time, knew he had hurt people when moving on, when getting out of the country... but at least he tried. He'd like to think that counted for something. Making people smile. Feeling good.

Did he make Ichijou feel good? He hoped so. He liked that the detective had started smiling more. Little shy ones, mostly hidden in his hand, or masked by looking away. It made him feel good though. Ichijou should smile more.

"I've been thinking..." Godai started, pulling away from the man underneath him to give him some space. "About..." He broke off, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed when Ichijou rolled over on his side to look curiously at him.

"Godai?"

"I've been thinking about whether you want to..." He was blushing now, he knew it, so he got out of the bed to look for his clothes so he could keep his hands busy. "Whether you..."

"Whether I...?" Ichijou both looked and sounded concerned now, and that made Godai pull in a deep breath and get the rest of the sentence out before the detective thought something was seriously wrong.

"Whether you... would like to sleep with me. I mean... properly." The words came out in a tumble.

"Properly?" Ichijou sounded confused at first, but then he took in Godai's embarrassed expression and his eyes widened. "Ah... you mean..."

"Yes." Godai nodded, scratching his neck a little, jeans in hand. "I... just think about it, okay? I'm going to go put on some tea. I'm sure you have tea."

In fact he was far from sure, but he needed to escape the room and the kitchen was the best idea he had, so he almost ran there, jeans in hand.

Oh boy. That had been... awkward. Godai pulled his pants on, then leaned his burning forehead against the small refrigerator. He... maybe he shouldn't have said anything, but he was starting to get the hang of how Ichijou worked by now. You didn't just spring things on him, he needed time to think things over and reflect properly. Time Godai really wished they had more of.

At least it was out there now, and it was better this way than when they already were in bed, because if Ichijou had hesitated then, he would just have stopped, and then things would have been even more awkward, and... why were things so complicated?

Because, for once, Godai really cared about not messing this up. And he almost had, back there at the start. He just...

"Left cupboard."

"What?" Godai looked up, seeing Ichijou standing in the doorway, pants on, hair still a mess.

"Tea. I do have tea. Left cupboard. There should be some crackers there as well."

"Ah, I see." Godai smiled shyly, then looked away to rummage through the shelves as Ichijou put on the kettle.

"I'm going to call Sugita, to see what is going on."

All business. Well, except the bare chest and mussed hair. Godai snuck a few glances at Ichijou's back as he left to get his phone. He didn't listen in on the conversation in the bedroom.

At least he tried not to.

Except at the end. When Ichijou said that he would be back in Tokyo this afternoon.

Afternoon. That was a bit of a victory, and Godai started whistling a little as he prepared their meagre breakfast.

...

"You have way too many painkillers in your bathroom." Godai handed Ichijou the bottle of pills that he had asked for, frowning a little.

They had eaten breakfast while talking about work, and then taken another shower, Ichijou first so he could have enough hot water to ease up some of his sore muscles.

"My line of work didn't start getting dangerous with the Grongi."

"Did you at least stay in the hospital back then?"

The shake of his head made Ichijou almost look like he was pouting. "I don't like hospitals."

"Your mother works in one. And your best friend."

"I know. It's just..." Ichijou paused as he swallowed down the pills, looking at the ceiling.

When he didn't continue, Godai walked up behind him, taking the empty glass to put it away on the table.

"I'm glad you didn't stay in the hospital," he admitted with a shy smile. "Even if I wish you had."

"I could move, I saw no reason to stay." Ichijou said with the faintest of shrugs, one hand cradling Godai's cheek.

"We're both horrible. Tsubaki is going to be so upset with us." Godai closed his eyes and kissed the palm gently.

"That's fair." A small release of breath that could have been a sigh,. "It's just going to get worse, isn't it?"

"The Grongi are growing more powerful," Godai said with an almost sad smile. "But so am I."

Ichijou didn't answer that, he just furrowed his brow and tilted back Godai's head slightly, so he could look him in the eye.

"That's a good thing," Godai assured. "I will finish this. I won't stop until people are safe." No matter what it took. Maybe that was the reason why Ichijou was frowning.

"We don't have to drive back for a few hours yet," he finally said, letting go of Godai's face. "Do you want to go somewhere and get something to eat, or...?" the words petered out, as if Ichijou was unsure what would be the best course of action here.

"I'd rather stay." Godai nodded, the smile coming unforced. "If you're not too sore."

That got a huffed little laugh in return. "If I was too sore I would be in the hospital."

...

At least they were less shy about getting undressed. Godai still wondered if it would ever become routine. He wasn't sure how it could, because Ichijou still looked gorgeously hot. He probably shouldn't be this self-conscious. He wasn't ugly. He knew that. He suspected that Ichijou liked looking at him too... which he supposed was the reason why he did feel self-conscious.

"I've... thought about what you suggested earlier." Ichijou looked focused as he stepped out of his pants, treating this as any other treacherous and possibly dangerous situation.

"And?" Godai didn't smile, but his eyes widened a little.

"How... had you planned to do this?" There was a look of tense hesitation on Ichijou's face as he stepped closer,

"I hadn't really thought that far. I just... figured that if we didn't like it, we could just stop, you know? And if we did like it, it would have been stupid to wait for too long?"

"You're not a very patient man." The smile softened the tension, even if it didn't dispel it.

"Not really. But if it's okay, I can go first. I mean... if you... wanna be on top?" It was a fair question, and Godai wasn't blushing. At all.

"Is that what it's called?" came the bemused reply,

"I have to call it something," he said, scratching his neck a little.

"Are you fine with that?" Ichijou's voice had dropped a little as he stepped closer.

"Well, I'm a bit curious. And a bit scared," Godai admitted. "But I figure that if it wasn't fun, people wouldn't do it."

"People do a lot of strange things."

"True, but if it turned out I didn't like it, I'd tell you." It didn't have to be more complicated than that.

"And then we would stop."

"Yeah." Godai nodded and stepped close, wrapping his arms around Ichijou. He'd given the man enough space, now he wanted contact.

"I... it's no use lying about the fact that I would like to try."

"You're kind of poking me in the stomach with that, yeah."

"Do you have...?"

"I have a condom in my wallet, yes." Maybe he sounded a little too enthusiastic about that.

"I didn't know you were that prepared."

"Oh, it's not for that." Godai flushed a little. "They're just really handy when you're travelling. You can use them to carry water. And two of them makes a pretty nasty slingshot if you need to hunt."

"I see." The nod was slow and thoughtful.

"It's not like I... do this a lot." Godai freed himself so he could go and find his wallet. Naked. It really was different when you were around someone you wanted badly enough to make you ache.

"I wasn't implying that you did," Ichijou assured, sitting down on the bed.

"Because I'm not." He fumbled a bit with his wallet, his fingers feeling a bit numb, as if there wasn't enough blood circulating to them. Probably because it had all rushed to his head. And elsewhere...

"You're trembling." Ichijou caught his hands when he came close, holding them tightly in both of his own.

"I'm nervous," Godai admitted with a too bright, too brittle smile. He wasn't sure when he had become so comfortable with showing Ichijou his true feelings, but it was a bit of relief to allow himself to be nervous and unsure at times.

"Are you sure about this? What we've been doing before is more than I ever expected."

"Yeah, I'm sure." Godai was sure of that. He wanted to. It was another thing of his now too long list of things he wanted to do in his life. Too long because he was increasingly sure that he didn't have that long to complete it in.

If something didn't happen to him, something might happen to Ichijou. Or both of them. Or neither, but when things went back to normal, they might just drift apart. This wasn't normal. This wasn't how life was supposed to be. This wasn't how he normally was, and he had no idea if this was how Ichijou always acted. Things were... horrible and extraordinary, and he didn't want to lose a single moment of their time together.

Besides, the thought made his gut do this little twinge that turned his legs to butter. Not that he needed them right now, not with being stretched out on the bed under Ichijou that kept kissing him.

It wasn't fair. Godai was well aware of that. Maybe Ichijou thought that he was braver because he had suggested he'd get this done to him first, but it was the other way around really. It wasn't like Godai didn't want Ichijou that way, wanted to just thrust in and see how his face changed, wanted to see whether he could make him lose control, but... he was scared. What if he messed up? What if he wouldn't be any good at it? What if he couldn't last? This was... easier, because while it was still scary, and a loss of control, it was also safer. Because he trusted Ichijou with his life, so of course he trusted him with his body.

And right now giving up a bit of control felt like such a relief.

The oil had still been next to the bed, and Ichijou's hand was now slick, and his finger had pressed inside, and Godai pulled his leg up to make things easier, because Ichijou kept kissing him, and that made it easier to swallow the moans.

Because there were many. It wasn't the first finger he'd had there. But it was the first time with someone when he knew that there would be more, and made everything filled with more importance than it should have. It was just a finger after all, or, well, two fingers, but...

"How do you want this?"

"Um..." The question had made Godai's head spin as he tried to start thinking again, which was hard with Ichijou's lips brushing his, and even harder with two fingers inside, slightly curved as if they were afraid he would slip away. Anchoring him. "I... don't know?"

He hadn't thought about it. Not really. Or well, he had but that had been fantasies, and this was reality and things were different then. He was less flexible, for one.

"Is this fine?" Ichijou looked concerned.

"It is." Godai managed to get the words out after swallowing hard.

Ichijou's fingers slipped out, which left a naked, odd feeling behind. His skin weren't used to being touched down there, and it felt like those calloused digits had made new groves there. Left their fingerprints behind. There was a moment of fumbling as slick fingers fought with the condom, and they shared a sheepish little smile. They could still laugh about this, which was fair, because sex was equal parts ridiculous and frightening but that was their lives now.

Godai tried to not hold his breath as Ichijou bent his legs up, but breathing normally was impossible when everything came out as a nervous little gasps. At least Ichijou didn't look nervous, but then again, he never did. Just slightly concerned, so Godai managed a small nod, and then...

... oh, so this was what it felt like.

He didn't have to worry about breathing now, because the weight of the man on him made every tentative thrust tear the breath from his lungs. You had to get into a rhythm, even if that rhythm meant clinging and moaning and do all sorts of things he had never really imagined himself doing because it chafed, and it stung, and then it felt way too good and he had never really imagined himself enjoying that either.

But then again, Ichijou had made him re-imagine himself so much already. He had never thought he could be this sort of person, so maybe there was room for yet another Godai Yuusuke? One that wasn't embarrassed about the moans escaping his mouth? About the fact that his legs had wrapped around the man who was fucking him a little too readily? He had to force himself to open his eyes, to make sure that this actually was happening in real life, but that meant looking up at Ichijou, and...

... this was real, wasn't it?

... this was something that was happening to him right now?

It was. He could feel his own erection twitch, trapped between Ichijou's body and the amadam resting in his gut. The feeling was intense. Overpowering. He wanted it to last, he really did, but Ichijou wouldn't, so why fight the inevitable?

Especially when losing felt so sweet.


	13. Monsters and Men [during ep 42]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set during ep 42, and I felt the need to include a scene from the show in more detail than normal since that will become important later and not everybody have the show in fresh memory. Also, apologies for the delay, I've been too busy writing my own stuff, but I promise I will finish this one.

Rubbing his shoulder, Godai flexed it carefully before taking a deep breath, following Ichijou into the meeting.

Fighting the buffalo Grongi had not been a pleasant experience, but at least bruises healed faster than being impaled like he had been on the ferry. Still, his ribs ached and he suspected his chest was a mat of blue and green under his shirt. Normally he would have just made an excuse and spend a few hours alone to heal the worst before facing the rest of the world again, but they had been running late for the meeting, and this was an important one he couldn't skip. They needed to pool their knowledge, because the Grongi were becoming more and more powerful. Sitting down at the table with a wince, Godai smiled blandly at the rest of the assembled team. His friends. His allies. He would have been dead without them more than a dozen times over, even the latest batter would have been lost if it hadn't been for their aid.

He only had to close his eyes to see the scene flash past once again, on the ground, unable to get up, the Grongi raining down blow after blow with that massive, spiked hammer. The breath slammed from his lungs, the pain bubbling under the surface, something building inside him, a desperation that needed an outlet he wouldn't allow it, and then the shots rang out. Ichijou of course. The Grongi had stumbled back, howling from the muscle relaxing bullets that Enokida had made. That had given him a moment to collect himself, and he hadn't wasted it. Ramming the Grongi while he was groggy seemed the best course of action. The Gouram had done the rest, grabbing hold of his opponent long enough so they could drive to a remote enough location where the explosion would harm nobody. All they knew about the Gouram came from what Sakurako had translated, and what Jean and Enokida had worked out in the lab. More friends. More debts owned. If they hadn't been there, he would have ended up in the hospital again, and there he owed Tsubaki the biggest debt of all.

Godai hoped that they understood how much they really mattered in this fight. That he wasn't the only one fighting.

"As we all know, the strength of the unknown beings is like nothing we have encountered before."

Ichijou's voice brought Godai back from his musings, the meeting had begun, and he was still feeling like his head was lost somewhere and filled with cobwebs. Luckily, nobody paid him any attention, all their eyes on Ichijou as he continued talking.

"We also have to deal with no.0's mysterious actions and what they might portent."

No.0 had killed his fellow Grongi. That much they knew. But neither of them dared to imagine that the creature might be on their side. They weren't even sure what it looked like, other than the blurry, fleeting image that had been caught on the tapes at the scene of the first attack. The closest either of them had get to spotting it was when it attacked and killed the bat Grongi, and they had only heard the sounds. The howl. Godai swallowed, trying to blink away the memory.

"If we want to deal with this threat permanently we need to find out what these creatures really are, and that is the goal of this meeting. Tsubaki, you're up first."

Tsubaki nodded, opening his folder to spread out sheets of data on the table. Godai wondered if everybody else knew what they meant, or whether their interested looks were as false as his was. It was intimidating at times, he might be the man with 2000 skills, but he had no degree. He had not graduated anything since high school, and all the other people in the room were frighteningly smart in most cases, and a certified genius in one. 

"These are all the unidentified life form samples we have received from various police departments." Tsubaki ran his hands over the colourful photographs. Did tissue really come in those rainbow shades, Godai wondered, or were they enhanced or dyed in some way? "There are 162 of them and we have been looking at their cells for months." There was a small pause and a frown which made the room focus on the doctor as he seemed to gather strength to say what they were all fearing. "We have confirmed that biologically the unidentified life forms are the same as human beings." 

Godai had known. Or at least he had suspected. Ichijou as well, they shared a look as the others took a moment to process. The Grongi were, or at least had been, human. 

"But they can increase their power by transforming into a monster form." Ichijou looked around the table, it was not a question, more of a statement to lead Tsubaki to the next part of his findings. Had they rehearsed this, Godai found himself wondering.

"We have discovered a crystal in the stomach of every corpse," Tsubaki continued, looking as grim as Godai had ever seen him. "It forms a system of nerves that have spread through the body. I think it is the source of their power and reason why they can turn into monsters."

"About the crystal..." Godai didn't phrase it as a question either, he already suspected that he knew the answer.

Tsubaki nodded. "You have one in your stomach. Their crystals are the same as the amadam."

Godai nodded, because there was nothing else he could do. Under the table, his hand pressed lightly against his stomach. He couldn't feel anything in there. No smooth sphere. No extra nerves. Nothing but the fading bruises and the slight tingle of his nerves that had replaced the pain he had felt before, like muscles waking up from a long sleep.

Enokida cleared her throat and Godai was glad Ichijou looked away from him to her. "Anyway, that crystal gives them power and mysterious abilities during a battle, right? So the fact that they can transform and form weapons is probably due to the same mechanism."

"But even if they have the same source of power," Jean looked over at Enokida, frowning a little. "The way they use it is..."

He didn't finish the sentence. Nobody else spoke up. Godai wanted to, but he had no idea what would be the right thing to say. The Grongi were people, just like he was, but murderous, twisted monsters. Could humans be monsters? Ichijou kept saying that they could, but it wasn't the same thing, was it? A human being could do monstrous things, but a Grongi was... they were different, weren't they? They had to be.

Finally Tsubaki pulled out more papers from his folder, placing two X-ray photographs side by side on the now cluttered table. 

"This is an X-ray of no.3's corpse which was dissected today. This is an X-ray of Godai that I took recently. They resemble each other and the way the body is changing is exactly the same."

The photographs were nearly identical, thick bundles of nerve tendrils growing out from the central sphere. The one difference was that in one of the photographs, the central sphere was cracked and dark, while in the other it was a comforting glowing orb that made Godai press his hand against his stomach once again. 

"They really look that similar?" he said with what he hoped was a bemused smile. "But the reason why no.3 was able to transform into his new form was by using Daguva's power." 

"What did you say? Hey, wasn't Daguva..." Tsubaki turned to Ichijou for confirmation.

Ichijou nodded. "The being that would bring the ultimate darkness."

Tsubaki didn't let up, but raised his voice in alarm. "And that Daguva would become Godai?"

Ichijou's face could be carved in stone. "That's what no.B1 said. She seemed to imply that they will be one soon."

"That conforms it." Tsubaki looked down for a moment, before fixing Godai with a steely glance. "Godai, if we don't do something fast you'll be nothing but a living weapon bred for battle."

Godai had heard the words of the prophecy far too many times by now, so he responded like he always did, by giving Tsubaki his best thumbs up. "I will be alright."

He kept brandishing his thumb, keeping his smile as Tsubaki stared at him until Sakurako chimed in and relieved the pressure. 

"That's right." She had been the one that had been the most worried about this in the past, but somewhere along the line she seemed to have come to the decision that trusting her old friend was the only thing that she could do right now. "That's bad you know," she chided Tsubaki. "Not trusting Godai. Right?" She looked over at Enokida, who nodded back.

"That's how it is," she agreed, her rare smile looking as determined as her eyes. "Right?" She looked over at Godai, searching for agreement that her faith was not in vain. She was a scientist, and to go out on a limb like this wasn't like her. All he could do to repay her faith was to nod and smile even wider back.

"Right," he said, keeping his eyes on Tsubaki. The doctor looked flustered and upset, and next to him, Ichijou averted his gaze. Godai desperately wanted him to at least look him in the eye, but instead he forced himself to turn to Jean when he started to speak, a hint of hesitation in his accented Japanese. 

"While researching Gouram, miss Hikari and I discovered that Gouram and the amadam are powered by the same energy." 

Enokida nodded in agreement. "That is why when Godai tells it to come, the amadam accepts that thought and gives its power to Gouram through the crystal embedded in it."

"That's why I think the amadam gives different power depending on the will of the user." Sakurako sounded like she had repeated the same speech to herself in front of the mirror until she believed it. "So if Godai just stays true to himself he won't turn into some terrible being that does nothing but fight. Also," here she turned to Godai with a brilliant smile. "Last time we met, Godai told us that he really is fine.

Godai nodded, grateful for her passionate speech on his behalf. "I did."

Tsubaki looked at Sakurako as if he couldn't quite believe her line of reasoning. He glanced back at Ichijou, who remained inscrutable. Sakurako continued, no trace of doubt in her words. 

"That's why everything will work itself out."

Tsubaki shook his head in disbelief while Ichijou made the smallest of nods. Tsubaki noticed it, and couldn't stop the groan that escaped him as he buried his face in his hands as if he was getting a headache.

"So if Godai wills it, things will turn out fine." Ichijou's voice was softer than both Tsubaki's and Sakurako's had been, but it made a bigger impact in Godai's heart all the same.

"So if Godai is okay..." Tsubaki still sounded doubtful. "...then it will be okay?"

Godai nodded vigorously, making a thumbs up at the doubting physician. To his surprise and relief he was joined by Sakurako and, one by one, the rest of the group. Jean with quiet conviction, Enokida as if it had been a challenge, and lastly, Ichijou as if he had finally decided it was the right course of action.

Tsubaki looked even more annoyed, opening his mouth to protest when something seemed to strike him.

"Wills it... will turn out... did you just try to make a pun?" Tsubaki turned to his old friend in disbelief. Ichijou looked equal parts smug and embarrassed.

"It seems so."

The pun had been a bad one, but the fact that it was Ichijou who had tried to lighten the mood made it impossible keep a straight face. Sakurako suppressed a surprised giggle, Enokida and Jean exchanged a look and a knowing laugh and even Tsubaki couldn't keep himself from Joining in. Godai just sat there, feeling the smile go from habitual to honest, and the laugh that slowly bubbled out of his throat felt like it had been the first one in days.

...

On by one, the others left, taking their notes and conclusions with them. Godai kept his smile up, saying his goodbyes, even to Tsubaki who seemed to want to linger with a few more words of warning until Ichijou almost had to shove him out the door. The silence that followed was a relief for both of them. 

Ichijou gathered up the notes that Tsubaki had left for him to read, Godai carefully moving closer until he had the opportunity to reach out and give the detective's shoulder and awkward squeeze.

"Thank you," he said softly before letting go, feeling a little embarrassed with himself..

"For what?" Ichijou wore his habitual frown, but his mouth was softer than Godai remembered, caught somewhere between a scowl and a frown.

"For believing in me." He felt even more embarrassed that he had brought it up at all.. 

"It doesn't matter what they are," Ichijou said with conviction Godai wished he could share. "You are not a monster."

"I wonder..." Godai hadn't meant to speak the words out loud, but the slight stiffening of Ichijou's shoulders told him that he had.

"Godai Yuusuke." The name landed in Godai's stomach with the warmth of a small sun. "You are not a monster."

"But if I am not..." Godai didn't resist when Ichijou placed his hands on his shoulders and turned him around so they finally stood face to face. "... then neither are they."

Tsubaki had realized what they all were shying away from. Either they were all monsters or they were all humans. They were one and the same and you couldn't have it both ways. Either Godai was turning into something not human, or he had spent the last year killing human beings. Not that they weren't murderers and worse, but people had rights, and what he had been doing was not...

"Godai." Ichijou repeated his name in a worried tone that made Godai realize that he had probably repeated it quite a few times.

"I'm fine," he lied, forcing a smile. "It doesn't matter anyway." He tried to shrug away, but Ichijou, his worry written all too clearly on his face pulled him into a hug instead.

When had it come to this? That Ichijou would be the one reaching out to him? Touch him? Try to make jokes to make the others feel at ease? Had it happened suddenly, or had he just not been paying attention?

"Really," he muttered into Ichijou's neck, just closing his eyes for a moment, focusing on his breathing. "This was nothing we didn't know before."

"That is true." Ichijou let him go with a slightly awkward look on his face, as if had been caught caring more than he felt comfortable with. "And it is nothing that changes what we have to do."

The Grongi needed to be stopped. If they had been granted the time to think and plan maybe they would have other choices. As it was, Godai knew he was the only chance they had. 

"I will..." Godai hesitated, "No, we will stop them. All of them. And then it will be over." Finally. That was how he had to deal with this. One step at a time. Like a journey.

You couldn't start imagining the goal when you were on a hard trek. You couldn't start picturing what you would do, the food you would eat, how nice it would be to have a proper shower. If you started thinking like that, chances were you would never get there. You would lose focus. You couldn't dream of a soft bed when you were trapped on a freezing mountain. You had to keep moving or freeze to death. Be happy that you were going downhill. That you were still feeling the cold so your body weren't shutting down. Focus on the trek. One step at a time.

He could do this.

No, he had to do this. Because the alternative would be to leave Ichijou to fight on his own, because he would never back down. For a moment Godai felt absurdly proud, and Ichijou seemed to pick up on some of his feelings, pulling in his chin in a sheepish little laugh.

"I should refrain from trying to tell jokes, I suppose."

"No," Godai assured. "It was very funny. And... I like when you smile."

"You don't have to smile all the time, you know?" Another touch, this time Ichijou cupped his chin in his hand and Godai felt himself flushing red as other memories came flooding back.

Not all memories were bad. He still had a hard time believing what they had done together unless he replayed those memories on a regular basis. Added them to his list of moments they had together.

"Ichijou..." Godai felt his voice go hoarse, and suddenly all thoughts of men and monsters seemed to be less important than how the man in front of him made his gut clench together. 

Ichijou didn't resist as Godai pushed him back. Two steps, then three, and then the detective's back hit the wall of the small room. The kiss was fierce at first, as much an attack as his rider kicks, but there was nothing fragile in his arms. Not someone he had to worry about breaking. And Ichijou kissed back, wasn't afraid of his sudden heat, of the way his lip was caught and bit, just softly enough to bruise. For a moment Godai felt lost in the moment, in the way Ichijou's hands ran across his back, pulling him closer rather than pushing away, and then someone walked past in the corridor outside and they flew apart as other people's conversation intruded on their moment.

Not the time. Definitely not the place. 

"This conference room is booked this afternoon..." Ichijou sounded as breathless as Godai felt. 

"And we have things to do," Godai added, rubbing his face vigorously to make the heat go away. "Okay. Back to business."

"Tonight..." Ichijou sounded hesitant again, not reaching out to Godai with anything but his words. "Will you have time to stay over?"

Godai could feel his face cracking up in a huge smile. 

"Just try to stop me."


	14. Everybody's fine (post ep 43)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place post ep 43.

  
Ichijou had shot a man. Not a Grongi. A normal human. Godai knew that this was what the detective had done for a living before they met, but it was still an odd feeling to get reminded of the fact that while violence was a new aspect of his own life, the same was not true for Ichijou.

Mika had been so quiet when he had escorted her to the train afterwards. It wasn't surprising really; it was supposed to have been a joyous day for all of them. Going to see her perform at the concert, her first one after her father had been killed. They had all planned to be there for support, and then... maybe Ichijou had a point. Maybe violence was an intrinsic part of human beings after all. But that meant...

What happened when you coupled that capacity for violence with the power of the amadam?

More and more, Godai found himself thinking about that. How long would it take to change the way you thought? Had the Grongi been monsters at the start? Part of a human society that glorified violence and martial prowess? Or had the amadam started to corrupt their thinking? Godai wasn't sure what he believed. Ichijou had talked about no.B1 and that she said that the Linto had changed. They had thought she had been talking about humans in general back then, but now he couldn't help but wonder if Linto and Grongi had just been two different tribes? One peaceful and one not? Had the first Kuuga been shunned by the people he fought to protect like he had almost been? Did they fear his capacity for violence at the same time as they relied on it?

Why had the old Kuuga gone to sleep when the Grongi threat was over? Could he not stand to be the only one left? Did he still want to fight? Had he started to feel the thrill of battle even while hating it it like Godai had? There was... something there that Godai didn't understand. Why everyone had gone to sleep. Maybe they had found another way. Maybe the Linto hadn't been fighters but maybe they had been clever. Maybe they had found a way to make the amadam go dormant, to put both enemies and ally in suspended animation. Maybe... maybe they would have remained like that forever if they hadn't been disturbed.

Maybe he should speak to Enokida about this. Maybe there was a way to resolve this peacefully. If his amadam could communicate his intentions to Gouram, maybe it could influence other amadams as well? Maybe that was what the ancient Kuuga had done. Maybe his desire for an end to the war had been strong enough. Maybe he truly had been a pacifist. Wanting nothing but to sleep and end this. Maybe he had sacrificed himself, gone into a coma so deep that the Grongi were pulled along, one by one. Self-sacrifice.

Godai gently loosened his grip on the handlebars of his bike. He hadn't started it yet. He was hesitating outside the station, Mika's train had left and he should go back to his sister, or to Ichijou and... he didn't want to sleep. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to tell Enokida that maybe there was a way to end this in one blow, even if it meant sacrificing him as well. He wanted... he wanted to live. That wasn't a crime, was it? And if he was right in his theories, even if he told her and they tried something like this it wouldn't work. Because he was not a pacifist. He didn't want this war, but... little by little it had pulled him in.

It was too late for something like that. He had killed too many of them. His amadam was too keyed to fighting. To protect people. He couldn't give that up. He couldn't just lie down and fall asleep to dream away the centuries and hope that just solved everything. He was not that kind of man. Not before he put on the belt. Not after.

He flipped down the visor on his helmet, revving his bike. This was just idle speculation. Fantasies. There couldn't be many left now, he just had to hang on and win the remaining fights and then everything would be over. Not just postponed. Not just left to future generations. It would be over. Humanity would be safe. And then he could move on with his life.

Yes. He could. Of course. It would be over. Everything back to normal like it had been a bad dream. He would have to pick up a new helmet too. There must be a gap in this one. Some way for the wind to get past the visor and make his eyes sting and tear up. Just the wind.

He turned right at the stoplight instead of left. Ichijou was probably still at the station.

...

The operations room still smelled like cigarettes, even though the people had left for the day, eager to take the chance of a normal evening before the next Grongi attack. Well, everyone except Ichijou of course, who sat frowning at one of the desks, just like Godai had hoped he would.

"Ah, you are still here?" Godai didn't stop the happiness from creeping into his voice, or his smile from growing wider as Ichijou looked up and acknowledged him with a curt nod. "I thought you might be. I never knew how much paperwork it was being a policeman and all."

"Was Mika… ?" Ichijou didn't finish the sentence, but then again, he didn't need to.

"She was fine," Godai assured, dumping his helmet on one of the desks, cleaning away the clutter of the day. He liked to do things like that when he had the chance, just helping people out. He felt he had far too much to repay them for.

"I see." Ichijou had looked back to his paperwork, but the voice had been distant enough to catch Godai's attention.

"No, no, I mean it." He gestured with the full ashtray, quickly dumping the contents in the trash before he spilled something. "She really was fine. I mean she might have been a bit shocked at what happened, but she's fine."

"Good." The single word was followed by a single nod, and Ichijou's pen had stalled on the paper.

"Ichijou..." Godai found himself hesitating. "Are _you_ fine?"

"Nobody died." Ichijou finally put the pen down and rubbed his eyes. "Everyone is safe."

"Yes, but are you fine?" Godai insisted, sitting down on the edge of the desk.

"She shouldn't have had to see that." He looked up at Godai, face tired but calm.

"No, she shouldn't." Godai nodded vigorously in agreement.

"This is what I was talking about earlier. Even before the Grongi attacked, people were still people."

"Tsubaki thinks Grongi are people too." Godai couldn't sit still anymore so he got up and stretched a little, too aware of Ichijou's eyes on him. Worried. Godai hadn't wanted to worry him.

"Tsubaki is not always right," Ichijou pointed out with the faint outlines of a smile.

"But..." Godai begun to protest. This was different from thinking Ichijou needed a girlfriend when he was batting for the other team.

"Godai. Nothing has changed. The Grongi kills people. Murders them. Regardless of what they are, we can't let them continue."

"I know, I know, but..." the scraping of Ichijou's chair interrupted him, and he felt a twinge of guilt for interrupting.

"They are monsters." Ichijou's hands were heavy on his shoulders. "You are not."

"I wonder... sometimes, not often," he assured with a quick smile, "what they used to be back then. Who they used to be."

"Does it matter?" To Ichijou's credit, he took the question seriously.

"Maybe not." As Godai looked down, he felt Ichijou lean forward and kiss him gently on the top if his head.

"I need to finish my report." The hands were removed, but the feeling of the kiss lingered.

"Is it okay if I wait?" Godai resisted the urge to rub the top of his head a little.

"Of course." Ichijou sat down once more, giving Godai one of his rare smiles before turning his attention back to the report.

Godai on the other hand found himself wandering over to the board that was covered with various clippings and printouts, eyes unfocused as he struggled with himself. Ichijou was right. It didn't matter what the Grongi were, it mattered what they did. It was just the same for him.

And it was all there on the clipboard. In black and white and sometimes colour. Numbers. The occasional face. Mercifully few of the latter though. There was just no space; this was less of a criminal investigation and more of a war. He added him to his list all the same.

"Don't." Ichijou interrupted his thoughts, and Godai turned to meet his gaze with a goofy little smile.

"What?"

"You're adding up the numbers."

"I'm sure you already have the number of fatalities in a report somewhere." He felt a bit sheepish, scratching his neck as he glanced back to the board. Sometimes it felt like Ichijou really could read his mind, but did that mean he understood other, less savoury thoughts as well?

"That doesn't matter." Ichijou put down the pen and put the paperwork in a folder. He didn't look at Godai.

"It does," Godai said with a frustrated gesture. "People are dead, of course it matters." He had raised his voice enough that Ichijou looked up at him again, frown deepening

"That wasn't what I meant."

"I know." Godai scratched his neck again; it felt like it was almost becoming a nervous tick at this point. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too." Ichijou's hand was warm when it hit his shoulder, squeezed it lightly, then stayed there. "We are doing what we can to stop this."

"It's just that the stakes gets so much higher." Godai let himself relax a little under Ichijou's hand, just leaning in slightly. "They brought down an entire airplane. I just... where does it stop?" Airplanes. Boats. Trains. And in return, he destroyed city blocks while trying to stop them. Deserted city blocks, but still... "I think about that sometimes."

"The victims?" Ichijou put the folder down on a desk so he could put both hands on Godai's shoulders, not exactly pulling him into an embrace, just holding him steady.

"Being trapped up there. In a plane." Godai didn't recognize his laugh, it was too close to a sob and he kept his gaze fixed on the neutral space that was Ichijou's tie. "Going somewhere, being happy, on vacation. I've been on so many planes. There is nowhere to run." Reading the safety instructions. Knowing they were not likely to help. Landing in water was one thing, a monster attack...

"Don't." The word was sharp enough that Godai realized that he should probably stop laughing.

"I try not to think about it." He shrugged out of the almost embrace, running both hands through his hair. "It's... I don't like being angry, Ichijou."

"I don't think I've ever seen you angry." The words were said with a serious gravity that was so very much Ichijou.

"I used to be," Godai admitted. "All the time after my father died, but anger doesn't fix things. It just makes the people around you sad." He wanted to pace but he was hemmed in by desks and Ichijou, nowhere to run. He wished they had been out on the street. He wished he had been on his bike. Moving. Somewhere.

"Godai..." Ichijou reached out for him again, and Godai slapped the hand away.

"I'm sorry..." the words were quick, and he caught Ichijou's hand in his because the look on the man's face was something that wasn't supposed to be there. He had told Mika she was wrong. It wasn't unnatural for Ichijou to smile and be happy, he had promised himself that he'd protect that smile, not take it away by being stupid.

"It's fine." Words repeated so often they had nearly lost all meaning.

"I just... I... I do get angry sometimes." Godai admitted, looking down at their feet. "Like with the porcupine. It shouldn't matter whether you killed for sadistic pleasure or for sport, but it does. And I...."

"You stopped him." Ichijou's voice had gone hard, passionate.

"I did," Godai admitted.

"Anger doesn't have to be bad."

"I think for me it might be." Another nervous laugh almost snuck out, but he stopped it in time. "You heard what Jean said."

"There is an end to this." Ichijou spoke as if he actually had authority on the subject.

"I know..." Godai wiped his face with the back of his hand. "Oh, this is stupid. I came here to cheer you up."

"I'm not your sister, Godai. You don't need to protect me."

"I know," this time Godai's smile wasn't forced as he looked up. "But sometimes I want to."

"Godai..." Ichijou did his best not to look embarrassed, failing badly.

"I like your smile." This time Godai was the one reaching out, running a hand over Ichijou's cheek, still smooth despite the long day. His stubble didn't grow as fast as Godai's did. "You don't smile often enough. Can you blame me for wanting to protect it?"

"My smile..." Ichijou pulled back his chin, looking slightly awkward.

"The rest of you can obviously take care of itself just fine."

"Fine." The sigh was small and helpless as Ichijou surrendered to Godai's embrace. "You can protect my smile."

The kiss didn't change the world, but for the moment it made it a little bit brighter.

 


	15. A bad influence [pre ep 44]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place right before episode 44.

It tasted like electricity.

Godai was not sure he was supposed to taste things in a dream, but the memory was strong enough to make him do so. No 0 tasted like electricity and ozone, his shape shimmering in and out of the surrounding haze. Too bright. Not of this world. A caustic node of power crashing against his senses, overpowering him. It was like being caught in a tropical storm, deafened by thunder, blinded by lightning and pummeled by rain coming down hard enough to drown. The first few times he didn't even know what it was he was feeling, who he was almost seeing. It was only when Ichijou confessed to having seen a similar apparition that he became convinced that the shape was a real thing, and not just a manifestation of what he felt was growing inside him.

Too much power to contain.

He had only seen it a handful of times, but since then he had dreamed about it nightly. No. Not it. He. Godai was not certain why he was sure of that, but he was. And there was something else hiding there in the static corona of power, something that scared him more than the darkness staring back. There was a smile there. A gentle laugh. No sense of malice. And yet when he woke up he was drenched in sweat, the amadam a hot weight in his gut, and Ichijou had tossed off the covers to deal with the heat.

"Sorry..." Godai mumbled, because up on one elbow he can see the alarm clock and it's not even five in the morning.

"'s fine." The assurance was a sleepy one, Ichijou burrowing deeper into the pillow, only half awake.

They hadn't been sharing a bed for that long, and not every night. That makes Godai even more frustrated that he can't just snuggle in and sleep in peace until the alarm woke them both. He shouldn't keep his partner from getting the sleep he sorely needs. Partner. Is that the right word to use? Godai contemplates Ichijou's naked back, trying to sort out the one tangle of emotions that has nothing to do with what he's turning into.

Boyfriends? Maybe, the word is a fond one and it suits the way Godai sometimes feels reduced to a bumbling teenager around the suave police detective. He still has trouble believing these things actually happened, that he's been invited into Ichijou's life, into Ichijou's home. He still has trouble believing that he actually kissed this man and did a lot more besides. Lovers. That's another word on the list. They are that, and it means that Godai is finally allowed to reach out and run a hand over Ichijou's shoulder, following the sharp turn of bone, the curved muscles of his upper arm, taking in the impossible softness of the skin. Ichijou relaxes under his hand like a cat, and sinks deeper into the mattress.

Godai struggles to hold the tears back.

He doesn't even know why he's on the verge of crying. Happiness maybe. Fear. Because the skin might be soft and the breathing might be even and sleepy, but there's bruises there, scars which raise little patterns he can trace with his fingers. Ichijou said some of them were there before they met, but Godai still has a hard time not blaming himself for all of them. Which is stupid, and irrational, and not making any more sense than Ichijou feeling guilty about the fact that Godai was the one that picked up the arcle and maybe that's just the way things are between them. Neither of them wants the other to have to do this. Neither of them could ever do it alone.

Sometimes the least painful option is letting the person you love get hurt.

"Godai?" Ichijou shifted, catching Godai's hand before he could pull it back. He releases it after a small kiss, a little intimacy just for the bedroom. Just for the two of them. 

"Sorry." The smile is sheepish, and the mask is back before he has time to think about it. "I guess I just have trouble getting back to sleep."

"It's... not that early." Ichijou turns his head to check the time, which is exactly thirteen minutes since Godai did the same. Funny how much agonizing you could fit into ten minutes and change. 

"You have an odd notion of not that early." He doesn't stop the smile from growing wider, the mask fitting his face better. So close to the truth. A truth anyway.

"Most of the time I would get up in about half an hour and get a good run in before getting to the office." Ichijou tried to swallow a yawn, pulling Godai in against his chest.

"And here I thought you did most of your detecting after dark." 

"Sometimes. But most of the time this is routine work."

"Do you miss it?" Godai ask, listening to the heartbeat inside the chest he was resting against. "The routine?"

"Sometimes," Ichijou admitted. "But back then I detested it. Kept waiting for something to happen."

"And then it did."

"And then it did," Ichijou echoes. "I suppose be careful what you wish for is the lesson to take from all of this."

"It will be over soon."

"I hope."

"No, I really think it will be." Godai put as much conviction he could in his voice, freeing himself from Ichijou's embrace so he could look him straight in the eye. "There can't be many left."

"I think you're probably right. But the ones that are..." he drifted off, not finishing the sentence. Instead he sat up.

"It will work out." Godai brandished his thumbs up like a weapon. 

Ichijou shook his head fondly. "You made me believe that a long time ago. I've got no cause to change my mind." He swung both legs over the side of the bed, rubbing his face a little.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." Godai reached out, hesitated a little, then ran his hand over Ichijou's back. It was always slightly harder to touch the detective when he was awake, and not drowsy with sleep. It felt like an intrusion somehow.

"It's fine." Ichijou stretched a little, but remained seated on the bed, lost in thought.

"I'm probably just a bit nervous about today," Godai lies, because he doesn't want Ichijou to wake up enough to ask why he had trouble sleeping. The dreams should be forgotten. 

"Why?" 

The question is a sleepy one, and Godai takes advantage of the fact that Ichijou is still sitting down to slide up behind him, pressing his chest against the cool back, embracing the sleepy detective.

"I get to meet your boss," he explains with a quick laugh that ruffles the soft, black hair of Ichijou's neck. "I don't want to give a bad impression and create any trouble for you."

Godai had expected much, but not the small, quiet laugh that makes the shoulders he is hugging shake with mirth.

"Godai..." Ichijou places his hands over Godai's, making sure he doesn't let go of his embrace. "I don't think you have to worry."

"But I do," Godai protested as Ichijou struggled to regain his composure. 

"If it wasn't for him, my career would probably have been ruined already." He keeps stroking one of Godai's hands with his own. "Most superiors would not look through their fingers on an officer breaking the law."

"You? Breaking the law?" It sounds improbable enough to make Godai laugh.

"I've allowed you to use police property. Repeatedly. I've lent you my gun more than once, which is a crime. And I've... technically stolen two separate bikes to give to you." The admission was a reluctant one.

"That is true," Godai exclaimed. "I didn't think about that. I mean, I always thought I was just borrowing them, did that get you in trouble?"

"Yes." Ichijou sighs a little. "But that is water under the bridge now."

"Wait a moment..." Godai shook his head. "The first bike you lent me... you didn't even know me then."

"I knew enough," came the embarrassed reply.

"And you were newly assigned to Tokyo, your superior didn't know you either."

"I took what I felt was the best course of action."

"But that was back when I was an enemy of the police!" Godai couldn't keep talking to Ichijou's neck, so he squirmed around, situating himself in the detective's lap instead. "I was an unidentified life form to them!"

"But not to me." Ichijou tried to look away, looking more than a little embarrassed.

"You stole a bike for me!" Godai couldn't stop smiling. "And Mr Sugita told me you were ordered not to give me the second one at all, but you did it anyway."

"I had a talk with the people that had come to collect it, and they agreed with my assessment."

"You talked people into disobeying orders. Into letting you steal another bike for me."

"Technically..." Ichijou started to say, but he was interrupted by a kiss.

"You're a bike thief," Godai said once he could speak again. "I'm such a bad influence on you." The nod was a proud one.

"You..." the sigh was filled with exasperated fondness. "Godai Yuusuke..." The pause grew slightly too long, and he had to start over. "Yuusuke..." 

Godai could feel himself flushing. He hadn't been prepared for the effect that just his given name would have on him. Not when spoken with such sincerity. "Yes?" he answered breathlessly.

"I..." There was a little hitch there in Ichijou's voice, his hands tightening a little awkwardly around Godai's shoulders. "I..." He took a deep breath, and then changed the subject. "Don't worry about my superiors. Whatever happened in the past, we are all on the same side now." There was something slightly official about the speech, as if he had tripped over other words that wouldn't come out.

"I know." Godai's smile was maybe just a little sad, but the kiss he planted on Ichijou's forehead was filled with fondness. "It's okay."

Once again, maybe they weren't exactly talking about what they were supposed to be talking about. But that was fine. Because now Godai could actually kiss Ichijou, could push him back on the bed and watch the way the detective looked up at him, almost reverently.

"We have plenty of time before we need to be at the meeting," Godai suggested, feeling Ichijou stiffen against him. 

"I was thinking we could go for a run," the detective protested, but not very vigorously.

"We can still do that afterwards," Godai could feel his smile growing wide again, because this was one thing that nightmares couldn’t touch.

This here. This feeling. This man.

As long as he wasn’t a monster in Ichijou’s eyes he could live with being one in his own.


	16. Sky full of stars (post ep 45)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place post ep 45, before ep 46 when Godai is fighting the Rhinoceros Beetle Grongi. Trying to get back in the spirit of things, be gentle, it has been a while.

_"Clear!"_

Ichijou was the faster runner. Godai shouldn't be surprised, there was not much of a height difference between them, but the other man had longer legs. A more graceful stride. Walking had always been more his thing anyway, running tired you out too fast, walking would bring you to your goal just as surely if you weren't in a hurry. And Godai was rarely in a hurry.

_Except right now he was. He needed to wake up._

How did you continue to live your life as if you weren't in love? How did you shower together in a locker room and not look too closely? How did you stop yourself from reaching out and brushing away the jet-black hair plastered to a too severe forehead? Godai had never liked restraint, but with Ichijou his entire life had turned into a lesson of control. And yet he measured each moment to see when he could break the unwritten rules, when he could reach out to touch and not be rebuked. Those moments came more often lately.

_Hands on his body, a taste of ozone in his mouth and the plastic kiss of a mask instead of Ichijou's lips. Everything hurts but that is not unusual._

It had gone better than they had hoped. There had been smiles and well-wishes. Even Ichijou had laughed and his superior had just been another man, just like the rest of them. Sometimes Godai wondered whether the war against the Grongi brought out the best in people or whether these people had always been this way. Maybe it didn't matter, if you forced a smile for long enough it was almost like the real thing. He shouldn't fear the inevitable return of normalcy when there were so many other things he should be terrified of.

_Once again the voice goes "Clear!" and his inner sky turns full of stars._

Had there been fear written on the officers' faces when they kept shooting at the advancing Grongi? Godai knew that he had been terrified beneath the mercifully blank visage of Kuuga's mask. Not that he had time to hesitate. Just enough time to leap from his bike directly into battle. Just enough time to grab a gun and transform into green. Just enough time to feel the gun grow vicious in his hand as he charged the bolt. Just enough time to pray that his enhanced senses made him as good a shot as Ichijou. If he missed his target he would kill the officers just as surely as the Grongi would. Did Ichijou have these doubts every time he pulled the trigger? The paralyzing fear that he would not be fast enough? Not be good enough?

_"Damn it, Godai!"_

He had not been. Good enough. Godai had fought the Grongi fist against fist until he felt so overwhelmed that he had to let his skin slide into purple armour and try to bury his sword deep in the monster's gut. He had done that before. Had skewered Grongi and watched them contort in what he tried to pretend was not pain, but this one had just put his large hands around the blade where it was lodged in his gut and claimed it for his own. Had leaned forward, the single horn poised like a challenge Godai's sword now blackened and transformed in the Grongi's hand. Could they even do that?

_"Clear!"_

He had shifted to red and kicked instead, repeatedly and hard, willing power into the other monster so... no. Not the other monster. There was only one monster there because Ichijou kept telling him that, so he had to believe it. The detective would not lie. But neither did he know everything. And neither did Godai. He had not known that the Grongi would be strong enough to simply absorb the energies he poured into cracking the amadam they all carried in their guts. No, not amadam, a stone that was similar but not the same. They weren't the same (said everyone). And then the armoured mask of the Grongi had smiled and something had shifted behind the alien (familiar) eyes. Had changed. Transformed. Turned gold.

_The stars are pinpricks of light against the encroaching dark. The pain paints everything bright._

The double-kick that he had failed to evade had filled Godai with burning agony, corrosive energies coursing through his veins, coiling in his gut. He had been sent flying from the force of the blow, into a building where the walls that came down felt like cardboard compared to the burning in the pit of his stomach. Too much (almost). Cracking (not this time). The effort of venting the energies had shredded his form back to white, just enough armor left to guard against the rain of debris before slipping into the deep dark that (always) waited there for him.

_"Wait... there's a heartbeat."_

The stars were going out now, one by one. But there was no fear this time. No pain. Just the faintest stirrings of power.

_"Finally. That damn idiot, forcing me to do this."_

He would love to sleep for a while (forever).

_"Will it be alright leaving him like this, doctor?"_

But sleeping didn't stop the world from turning. Not for him.

_"I'll stay. You head down to the emergency room. They will probably need the help."_

There were too many things dragging him back. And Ichijou. Someone had to stop no. 46. Someone had to protect people. So he had to wake up now. He had to open his eyes and smile and say thank you to Tsubaki for sending him deeper down into the dark. For giving him the power that he needed to end this. Because he had to end it. Because he had to end it soon, before...

Before...

Before someone had to stop him in turn.

 


	17. All that matters (during ep. 46)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 46.
> 
> Well, I am not dead. I have however moved to a new town, bought a house and is currently renovating it. So yeah, very little time to write. 
> 
> I am also working on a text based game (of which a demo can be found here: https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/fallen-hero-update-5-april-2015/8255/147)
> 
> And I am writing the webcomic Breaks (free to read here; http://www.breakscomic.com/)
> 
> That is not even counting the books I am working on, or the short stories.
> 
> So yeah, life is ridiculously busy right now, but I still love Kuuga. Just bear with me on my slow schedule.

Almost too late.

Godai has driven as fast as he can and he is still almost too late.

Images of death and destruction flash past as he revs the bike down the stairs, interspaced with the burning in his gut that craves release. He is not Kuuga yet, untransformed and vulnerable, with weak human senses and reactions. 

Ichijou is sprawled on the ice near the center of the rink (where is his gun?)

Injured. Ichijou is injured. One arm is not working right and he is crawling backwards (away from no. 46, away from the sword, away from certain death.)

Frustration (or fear). There look of frustration (never fear) on Ichijou's face hurts to see because the Grongi is obviously injured (Ichijou must have shot him) but he is still walking, sword in hand and Ichijou has no gun and all it will take is another step and Godai lets the bike run down the stairs as fast as he dares and rears up on the back wheel before slamming right into the Grongi.

Impact. Not as jarring at it should have been, because this is no. 46, this is the rhinoceros beetle looking Grongi that landed him in the hospital. Still, maybe he (the monster) is injured enough that is the reason that he is thrown off his feet, or maybe he is surprised and the ice is slippery and it doesn't really matter because Godai has enough time to tear off the helmet and fall to his knees and check (please be alright) if Ichijou needs help (he doesn't smell like blood) and they don't have time to share more than their names because the Grongi is moving, but sometimes that is all that it is needed.

Just one moment. Just one shared look.

Neither of them smiles, because this is not something to smile about, and Godai turns before Ichijou's searching look can find the chinks in his armor. Turning and transforming is simpler. Facing the enemy is simpler. The air is cool and the ice is solid under his feet, a balm against the heat of Kuuga's senses as he feels himself enveloped and transformed once more.

Such a difference a near death can make.

"Godai..."

It takes an entirely unnecessary breath for Godai to steady himself so he can turn and face Ichijou's amazement once more.

"I think I can stay in this golden form for as long as is needed now," he starts, explaining in what he hopes is a calm enough voice. "Please, you need to get out of here."

No longer is he riding the crest of the wave, knowing that the golden power will fail eventually, will fade back into nothing. This time he is submerged in power, surrounded by the force that he is slowly becoming. There's no room for failure here. No place for doubt. He is Kuuga, no, he is red and gold and the stone in his guts is the center of his universe. 

"There is a forest not far from here you can use as a detonation point." Ichijou looks half dead but he is on his feet now, arm pressed against his side. The instinct to help him escape first is as strong as ever, but neither of them have any time for kindness like that. "I will make sure it's evacuated."

"I'll leave that to you." There is no thumbs up before Godai turns back to the fight. No 'good luck'. No 'be seeing you'.

Perhaps they have both passed the point of needing to be reassured like that. Perhaps they are both fearing the time that it will turn into a lie.

...

It's easier to lose himself once they are outside. It is not like last time he rode close to the edge like this, when his rage had run hot enough that he could just grab the porcupine Grongi and carry him far away from populated areas. It was not like that time, and perhaps that was lucky. Rage is... dangerous, and yet it keeps gnawing on Godai's control as they fight.

Blow. Counterblow. Getting on his bike to ram the Grongi through a wall. Dragging the creature along. Being chased. Slowly moving the fight from the stadium to the forest one blow at a time, never able to let up a moment.

He is stronger now, but that only means that he can match no. 46 blow for blow. He is faster now, but that only means that he can make the hits glancing ones, not avoid them altogether. He is tougher now, but it still hurts, every time an unguarded blow gets through. If there hadn't been bullet holes ridding the Grongi already, Godai isn't sure he would be able to keep up.

Another thing he owed Ichijou.

And another reason he was happy that the man was not here to witness this.

Giving a blow to the gut, taking a hit to the shoulder. Suck in a breath. Rotate his shoulder. Give a blow to the jaw, taking a punch in the stomach. Stumbling back. Both of them.

He could feel the leaves crumbling under his hands when he got back to his feet, glad that the Grongi was struggling as well. Tired. Exhausted. On their last reserves.

The Grongi was the one to speak first. Harsh words. Strange words. Godai didn't understand the meaning, but he understood the message. The crossed wrists. The crackling lightning. The buildup of power that had Godai gasp out loud as he jumps back in an answering stance.

One last attack. Neither of them had anything to gain from prolonging this.

Arms out for balance, Godai readied himself for the jump. The forest was empty (it had to be). The energy streaming up his leg provoked new growths of armor seeking to contain and direct it. More and more he had come to understand, that apart from Titan form, Kuuga's armor was not there to protect. It was there to contain.

And he is sick and tired of it.

It is a relief letting go at last.  
It is a relief feeling the energy cascading outwards, scorching his armor.  
It is a relief that his helmet hides his smile as he crouches down, readying himself.

Control. For a moment he is afraid that he can't ride this wave that he has summoned, but then he willed himself into focus, eyes flashing red. Godai Yuusuke is the man taking the first step, not Kuuga. But Kuuga is the one that breaks into a run, each step setting fire to the forest floor, an unstoppable juggernaut intent on utterly destroying his opponent.

Unstoppable force meeting unstoppable force.

They meet in the air, kick versus kick, and there is no calamity. No explosion. Just meat against meat, armor against armor as they both try to absorb power that has utterly destroyed lesser warriors.

Two bodies falling. 

A moment of quiet.

One monster moving.

No, not Kuuga. The other one.

And then the scream. The slow fracturing of the stone that powers the Grongi. The overloading of the belt. The inevitable crack, followed by the explosion.

The forest had been empty. And if it had not?

It was now.

...

Godai had half cleared the explosion zone when he came to and realized that he was walking. Between one step and the next, Kuuga's newly blackened armor melted away and he stumbled a little as his stride got shorter.

Nobody saw. Not a single thing was alive here. No birds. Trees torn into nightmarish shapes. The ground first charred, then swept clean by the force of the blast.

The only footsteps here were his. Behind him they were imprinted on the ground like brands.

Black. He had gone black. 

No. Not black.

He had gone Kuuga.

There was a quiet peace to his guts as he limped on, spotting the bike he had left along the path when the Grongi had tossed him off it. 

Kuuga had won.  
He had won.

He should not be celebrating destruction such as this, but he wanted to. He had won. Truly won! No. 46 had been his strongest opponent yet and he had beat him anyway.

Beat him by becoming... what?

Godai wasn't sure that he wanted to know, but the stone in his gut remained warm. 

He had become white to protect himself and others from harm.  
He had become red when he got angry enough to truly want to strike back.  
He had become blue when he needed to jump higher, to be faster.  
He had become green when he needed to see further, to strike from a distance.  
He had become purple when he needed to endure.  
He had become black when...

Godai shook his head. It didn't matter. If white was the beginning, black was the end. Black was the culmination, the ultimate expression of Kuuga. The strongest one.

And he had won.

That was all that mattered.

He had won, no. 46 was destroyed and he could see Ichijou in the distance, leaning against the car. Waiting for him.

The smile on Godai's face grew wider, not at all faked. Pulling off the helmet he breathed a sigh of relief, after a job well done. Then he turned his thumb to the sky.

There was an answering nod from Ichijou. A thumb's up in return.

Godai could feel his smile grow even wider, because he had won. They were safe.

"No. 46 is dead," Godai said, stumbling only slightly on the finality of that word. Dead. Somehow worse than destroyed.

"Just got the call. Sugita and Sakurai killed B 9." Ichijou didn't move, though his eyes scanned Godai for possible injuries. "Though I suppose it will be re-classed to no. 47 now that it transformed and fought."

"I guess Enokida really came through, huh?" Godai pushed his hands in his pockets so he wouldn't embrace Ichijou and make fools of them both now that the rest of the police were arriving.

"She really did." Ichijou didn't move either, and Godai wondered how bruised he was, and if there were injuries worse than bruises. "I thought I managed to bring down no. 46 at first. I put three nerve-breaking bullets in his gut, but he got up again."

"It helped me, though." Godai was fairly certain of that anyway, that his kick might have found the cracks left by Ichijou's shots and undone the creature. "If not I..." the laugh that came was a nervous one "... I might have had a harder time."

"I'm glad then." The nod was small and curt. People were approaching now. Curiously. Cautiously. 

"I'll see you back at the hotel," Godai said, suddenly eager to get out of there.

He needed to get on the bike. Get some wind in his face. Have the world drowned out by the hum of the engine.

Because what if what he had said was the truth?  
What if it had been Ichijou's attack that had enabled him to win?  
Would the fight still go on otherwise?

And was there a part of him that would have wanted that?


End file.
